Fallout revision 1

[Jana]

Hi Jana,

I'm not a songwriter so some of what I saw may not functionally be right for a song. I do however hope that there will be some benefit to considering the individual strength of your lyrics.  I thoroughly appreciate the in-depth commentary and feel there is a fair bit of advice to make use of in revising. Thank you for reading my lyrics and taking the time to help me improve on them.

Your meter is a bit all over the place throughout. You may want to settle on something more consistent. That said, I would probably ignore meter and rhyme until the content was worked out and then back into it with some readjustment of the phrasing and make substitutions. Depends on how you work though to determine how feasible that is. Definitely, agree on the meter issue. I'm struggling with that myself between the verses. It's okay to have the chorus and bridge vary in meter, but the verses should be consistent. The singer's phrasing can oftentimes compensate and hide it, though, I'm not sure how likely that would be with my verses. I've been toying with it myself and come close, but it's just not there yet. Perhaps a professional vocalist could carry it off. I'd prefer to polish it and not have to dump that onto the singer, though.

Fallout 

v.1
Fallout shelter underground 
Survival gear scattered around--around feels like its just there to make the rhyme work. It isn't totally forced but if I'm truly thinking of a prepper mentality even back in the 50s it's debatable how "scattered around" everything would be. Even if it had been abandoned for decades and current conditions are necessitating a return. Good point. The preps are often very organized down to the finest detail. I was looking for the feel of disarray, as in the abandonment of the possessions for an extended period of time, or possible ransacking. This, to me, adds a feel or image of chaos as we'd often see in emergency situations. I could easily change it to something more organized or regimented - like survival gear stacked around. This would change the image to something more militarized, which might be a better choice.

Drums of grains--In this stanza you have an aa/bbb rhyme scheme with the last b being a slant rhyme rather than a perfect rhyme due to the plural/singular issue. To me drums of grain feels more normal than grains. Most drums are 55-gallon barrels (though I could see some smaller ones) it's debatable how many drums you could fit into a typical underground fallout shelter. I do like the concrete detail of this line and the one below though. It does give a sense of the dankness underground and the preparation put in place to survive. In songwriting, what you're referring to as a slant rhyme we call a near rhyme, and is commonly used when a plural is required. It's also acceptable to use extended rhymes like adding the past tense -ed or present tense -ing when those forms are needed. The best communication in songwriting is to use wording that sounds like you're having a natural conversation with another. It resonates more with the listeners and makes it easier to stir their emotions. Buckets of grain is another option. This is more common today than drums, but for those seeking a longer term storage than can be passed down to their children or for large families like the Mormons, 55-gallon barrel storage is commonplace. I chose drums to communicate a serious survivalist that's investing in a lifetime of preparedness for any future possibility. 
Mildew stains 
Cold war relics still remain--The way you're using Cold War (specifically and not generically) it should be capitalized.  If you want to keep the rhyme scheme perfect you may want to settle on singular or plural and adjust accordingly. I'll keep this in mind when writing future poetry. I didn't realize writing poetry demanded so much precision when compared to songwriting. I'm finding that bit intriguing.


v.2 Rural folks lived to tell--rural because the shelters weren't placed in dense urban centers. 
Of days gone by, they knew too well--So they lived to tell and now the fallout shelters are just rusting curiosities. They remembered how they felt. 
Nightly war fears stoked 
Paranoia stroked--This is a missed opportunity. The problem with these shorter lines is they don't give you much space for concrete details. Therefore, this line needs to be adjusted. You already mention nightly war fears above. You can imagine a news report with Walter Cronkite or some PSA spreading fear. Paranoia doesn't give you anything truly new. You need another concrete image ("children under school desks for atomic bomb drills, or some such"). You need to work to build mood and stack imagery with every opportunity.  Noted. Will take it to heart and see what I can do. Although, paranoia and fear are too different concepts. Some people just become afraid, but the anxiety-prone might become paranoid and take preps to the extreme. 
Armageddon's been provoked--See this doesn't make sense given that they lived to tell. They thought Armageddon was provoked but it hadn't been. This may work as a subtle shift at the end with the thought of what does the future hold--but it's inappropriate here when they are thinking back to their fears that were unrealized. It's hyperbole at this point in your narrative flow. Hmm. Perhaps a rewording? I do want to introduce the idea of Armageddon here after having built up to it with the prepping images. After all, that's the reason for the preps. And you're exactly right that they thought it was Armageddon but turned out to be a false alarm. We'll never know how close we came to Armageddon because it never happened. But at the time, Armageddon truly was provoked. Lucky for us it never materialized. Part of the message I'm trying to convey is that we're always being told we're near Armageddon. People pray for the end of times. They want it to come. For the last couple of decades, we've been saturated with fear of terrorism. Now we're ratcheting up the fear with Russia again when the real danger facing us is global warming. So while we create our delusional Armageddons giving us endless reasons for war, we ignore the concrete Armageddon we create through our use of fossil fuels.

However, I'm not sure I agree on the hyperbole, because I feel it's a necessary introduction early on, so that idea can be repeated over and over, like we have experienced in real life for decades.

c.1
The fallout is here--You haven't earned this chorus yet. Probably need something that makes this axiomatic. Am I being too abstract? In my chorus, I want to develop the story further and finalize my message that the real fallout of endless calls for war is a corrupt government made up of war profiteers that collude with private industry to keep creating the need for their product. Legally, that would be an activity punishable under our racketeering laws. It's a double-meaning. 
We see it clear--This is here for the rhyme. Clearly would be the proper syntax. Also you shift your rhyme scheme here to AAAAA with the last one being a slant rhyme. You probably should look for more consistency. Clearly would be acceptable, too. Easy change. A shift in rhyme scheme is a good thing to introduce for a chorus. It adds variety to the song and keeps the listener from getting bored. Will keep these comments in mind for writing poetry. Thank you.
Racketeering political sphere--This just feels bolted on. What does racketering have to do with this sort of nuclear imagery your presenting.
Choking off our atmosphere--I can accept this imagery as it seems a logical result of fall out. It also speaks to millennials heading into a future of global warming, their generation's Armageddon we've passed down.
Armageddon perseveres 

v.3
Another generation's passed 
Fallout shelters holding fast--But are they the same fallout shelters or do they take different forms? I think your missing an opportunity to make this feel more relevant to modern speakers--they don't go underground anymore but how are they hunkering down. You haven't proved this line. It needs more development to sound believable.  It's not widely known in the mainstream, but among current-day preppers they do still go underground. They don't use concrete as much as was done during the Cold War, but they do bury large structures to create their bunkers, and those range from buses and trailers to culverts. Still, the concrete fallout shelters were made to stand the test of time, and they do still exist in many places. The point of this line is to communicate that we've passed down our Armageddon traditions to the generations that follow us. It's another way of saying the more things change, the more they stay the same. 
Nightly war fears stoked 
Paranoia stroked 
Armageddon's been provoked--While I don't mind repetition. You need to have the repetition present this new verse in a different light from the previous one for it to remain fresh. It doesn't expand your meaning in any way so it's wasted space and opportunity. Agreed. Richard pointed this out above, too, making me aware of it. I'm pretty sure I had another version written for this elsewhere. I just need to find it and copy/paste. 

v.4 
Fallout shelter underground 
Survival gear hand-me-downs--I don't mind the slant rhyme here becuse this is a good example of what I meant above. The hand-me-downs repurposes the line. Though you may want to think about how to use your fallout shelter metaphor to speak about what's really being handed down the generational fears and prejudices.  Yes! I thought I'd already done that, but it looks like I need to make it more concrete. Or should I leave it elusive and make people have to listen again and again until that realization strikes? That is the whole point of this song.
Drums of grains 
Mildew stains--Again for these lines the repetition without reworking something does nothing to advance your narrative. Repetition is good in a lyric, as it makes the song more of a sing-along, and those are the types of songs that become most popular.
Armageddon's drum still sounds--That's a nice change introducing an image--though it is a deviation from your rhyme scheme again--this is not to say that you can have no deviations. It's just that they feel haphazard and not planned. I'm okay with that for the time-being. When the music is added to it, the drumrolls and climax of the song here might make it sound more profound.

c.2
The fallout is here 
We see it clear
Racketeering political sphere 
choking off our atmosphere
Armageddon perseveres--Same comments as above for this strophe.

This lyric is from a poem I wrote and converted into song format. I hope it's okay to post in this forum. Please ignore the font size differences. I'm not sure how that happened with a straight copy/paste. Odd. 

I hope the comments help as you consider this piece.

Best,

Todd

Great comments. Thanks again for helping me see where I can improve things. I've revised this over and over. It was time to put it out there for outside input, and I couldn't be more pleased with what I've learned so far. I'll keep working at it and post the next revision soon. I'm meeting with a composer tomorrow, so this gives me time to tweak it a bit more in advance.