Moving (Edit #1)

[elleblack]

Copious apologies for nearly abandoning this very poem and thanks for the input I received.  I have been working a lot and didn't have time to address everyone's valued input.  

(Still having trouble with the verbiage of the eye --> I am aiming for an the eye of the bird getting uncomfortably close to yours and staring at you.  Any advice appreciated)


We abandoned the buried revenants
    in an ancient sand dune.
Adjacent, an inverted spiral 
    fills slowly with water, 
    a large sand bowl spring fed yet
    perpetually dry
How long, how much water until
    you can float?  Be still, supine.
    Hold your breath in, maybe
    as it fills
    you can rise
    but not turn over.

A disturbingly large bird stilt-walks
     along the sand.
It recurves its long sinuous neck 
     so its eyelashed black eye draws to yours,
     inquisitive of your motive.







VERSION #1

We buried revenants in the sand of an ancient dune 
and then abandoned them.

Adjacently is an inverted spiral 
    filling slowly with water,
    a large sand bowl spring fed yet dry.
How long, how much water until
    you can float?
    If you lie supine
    hold your breath in, 
    be still, maybe you can rise
    but not turn over.

A disturbingly large bird stilt-walks
     along the sand.
It recurves its long sinuous neck 
     so its eyelashed dark eye closes to yours,
     inquisitive of your motive.

I'm a fan of the line placement in this! 
The word 'disturbingly' in the first line of the second stanza (although it works in terms of meaning) seems out of place in this poem because of its length, and the presence of so many two-syllable words. It breaks the flow of the poem for me; maybe try using 'disturb/disturbs' instead of disturbingly, and placing it somewhere else? e.g 'A large bird disturbs, stilt-walks along the sand' 

I feel the same about the word 'inquisitive', although this might just be personal taste. I would consider changing the line so that it reads more as though the bird is actively asking something, extending the idea that the bird is sentient/intelligent/aware - e.g: 'asking about your motive'