06-06-2017, 11:58 PM
Proofers Edit
Perversion
—no ital, generally
I can feel my age[,]
like a nervous adolescent undoing a bra.
Do I kiss her neck,
—consider "should"
turn off the lights,
or take off my pants?
I want to think my choice matters.
Then it's over:
a mess, an apology,
and I'm red[-]faced.
I feel with a vague certainty
that our bodies have limitations.
—consider "limits"
I'm scared,
I know this will happen again[.]
[A]ctually, part of me
yearns
for an even worse ending.
—I think you should chuck punctuation rules. You've got serial comma troubles. You tried a semi, a colon, the odd preposition. Just get rid of them all and find write arounds where needs be.
On a more general level, I have a hard time construing the narrative as being about anything other than rape or prostitution. I don't guess that's an edit, just wanted to say.
Perversion
—no ital, generally
I can feel my age[,]
like a nervous adolescent undoing a bra.
Do I kiss her neck,
—consider "should"
turn off the lights,
or take off my pants?
I want to think my choice matters.
Then it's over:
a mess, an apology,
and I'm red[-]faced.
I feel with a vague certainty
that our bodies have limitations.
—consider "limits"
I'm scared,
I know this will happen again[.]
[A]ctually, part of me
yearns
for an even worse ending.
—I think you should chuck punctuation rules. You've got serial comma troubles. You tried a semi, a colon, the odd preposition. Just get rid of them all and find write arounds where needs be.
On a more general level, I have a hard time construing the narrative as being about anything other than rape or prostitution. I don't guess that's an edit, just wanted to say.
A yak is normal.