06-04-2017, 08:33 AM
We abandoned the buried revenants There's something not at all clear to me here - revenants, those returned, but from where, why abandoned, and why does it matter that the sand dune is ancient?
in an ancient sand dune.
Adjacent, an inverted spiral I have no idea what an inverted spiral is, apart from a way of weaving links to make jewelry. That doesn't fit here.
fills slowly with water, Ah, so it's hollow? Why the sudden leap from past tense to present?
a large sand bowl spring fed yet An inverted spiral is a bowl?
perpetually dry How can it be both perpetually dry, and filling with water?
How long, how much water until
you can float? Be still, supine. Switch from 'we' to 'you'. not clear why
Hold your breath in, maybe 'in' not needed
as it fills
you can rise
but not turn over.
A disturbingly large bird stilt-walks 'disturbingly large' feels clumsy. What kind of bird? Specific
along the sand.
It recurves its long sinuous neck
so its eyelashed black eye draws to yours, birds that have eyelashes are few - ostrich, hornbill, Amazon parrot - none of these seem to fit here.
inquisitive of your motive. clunky construction
Hi aschueler! I like a bit of mystery in a poem, but yours has too much for me! I can't make a connection between the two stanzas at all, or between the buried revenants and the rest of the first stanza, or the rest of the poem.
in an ancient sand dune.
Adjacent, an inverted spiral I have no idea what an inverted spiral is, apart from a way of weaving links to make jewelry. That doesn't fit here.
fills slowly with water, Ah, so it's hollow? Why the sudden leap from past tense to present?
a large sand bowl spring fed yet An inverted spiral is a bowl?
perpetually dry How can it be both perpetually dry, and filling with water?
How long, how much water until
you can float? Be still, supine. Switch from 'we' to 'you'. not clear why
Hold your breath in, maybe 'in' not needed
as it fills
you can rise
but not turn over.
A disturbingly large bird stilt-walks 'disturbingly large' feels clumsy. What kind of bird? Specific
along the sand.
It recurves its long sinuous neck
so its eyelashed black eye draws to yours, birds that have eyelashes are few - ostrich, hornbill, Amazon parrot - none of these seem to fit here.
inquisitive of your motive. clunky construction
Hi aschueler! I like a bit of mystery in a poem, but yours has too much for me! I can't make a connection between the two stanzas at all, or between the buried revenants and the rest of the first stanza, or the rest of the poem.