Moving (Edit #1)
#9
(03-27-2017, 02:22 AM)aschueler Wrote:  We abandoned the buried revenants     I´d think something that was buried is already abandoned.
    in an ancient sand dune.         aren´t dunes ever-moving and therefore can´t be ancient? if that contradiction was intended maybe you could show how and why
Adjacent, an inverted spiral 
    fills slowly with water, 
    a large sand bowl spring fed yet      OK, I understand that something that´s made of sand won´t hold water, but I wonder if there is or should be something in the poem´s imagery surrounding the sand, which soaks up all the water?
    perpetually dry
How long, how much water until     I´d leave the “how long” out, the metaphor is clear enough
    you can float?  Be still, supine.      the subject seems to be floating, but where did the water come from now when it was perpetually dry before? or is the floating just a dream/ a wish? and I still got no idea what “floating” could mean. 
    Hold your breath in, maybe
as it fills
     you can rise
     but not turn over.

A disturbingly large bird stilt-walks
     along the sand.
It recurves its long sinuous neck
     so its eyelashed black eye draws to yours,
     inquisitive of your motive.              at the moment I feel a little like this bird but not because I´d understand its intent in the poem (except if that feeling is part of your intent, then you succeeded)   
while i like the word flow and images a lot I can´t find a meaning.
especially those buried remnants of the first line, can´t see any hint of what they´re about in the following lines (except maybe the bird´s searching for them but that seems too far-fetched)
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Messages In This Thread
Moving (Edit #1) - by aschueler - 03-27-2017, 02:22 AM
RE: Moving - by dukealien - 03-27-2017, 11:01 PM
RE: Moving - by aschueler - 03-28-2017, 07:51 AM
RE: Moving - by CarrieChristo - 03-31-2017, 01:16 PM
RE: Moving - by aschueler - 04-01-2017, 07:28 AM
RE: Moving - by burrealist - 04-08-2017, 07:22 AM
RE: Moving - by CRNDLSM - 04-08-2017, 08:19 AM
RE: Moving (Edit #1) - by aschueler - 06-03-2017, 07:57 PM
RE: Moving (Edit #1) - by vagabond - 06-04-2017, 12:09 AM
RE: Moving (Edit #1) - by just mercedes - 06-04-2017, 08:33 AM
RE: Moving (Edit #1) - by elleblack - 06-07-2017, 04:26 AM



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