sunburn

[billy]

i enjoyed it because of the subject matter, that said you have lots of room to improve it if you wish. sometimes less is more, i think some work could also be done on the second stanza.

Sunburn


the sun seems to weigh a ton an understatement why not go big [weighs a gazillion tons] or something else. no need for like
but I rationally sit down,
as I intend to rise and might be better than as, raise may be better than rise
the levels of melanin in my hide,
and to colour parts of my brain no need for and
where melatonin was drained. is drained...or dead, or something stronger

Surprised by the touch of a breeze,
gently whispering and cooling the heat
on this almost depigmented skin,
(feels good) I think,
it could turn somewhat red
and then it might shed.