Actions without choice
#8
(08-21-2013, 09:54 AM)Keith Wrote:  Stackable poxy plastic chairs   
pretend to be disco seats,
put a comb through your hair,
coloured lights on your feet.      “lights colouring your feet” ? (for sake of rhythm.. )

Your suit is tailor made
for the trisomy chromosome            I´d write “tripled chromosome” or something like that as there is no specific “ the trisomy chromosome”
twenty one, never been laid         
or gone out on your own.

You bit me as you kissed me
because you need to eat.             it´s good to provide understanding in this line (in my view)
With a coke can on your knee
rocking just behind the beat.

A mouth held up by tongue size
frustration that wont mend.
Judgments made around the eyes
yet you still call them friends.        I´m not sure but as you mentioned frustration before it would seem as if the person with down-syndrom would somehow act his friendliness (is that even possible?)..

Growth delays a stronger arm   
a mind that's mild to maybe           
a baby still amongst the calm        here I don´t quite understand which calm
you arrived and saved me.           
 
 the last line is so striking, that I think it would be good to add a hint as to how the subject was saved, and from what (that could make a whole additional stanza).
maybe the subject was just saved from the nagging feeling of attending a “fake” party... I don´t personally know people with down-syndrome but they seem to want to live in a more amiable world, frustration happening when the world won´t fit.
 
good to read a poem about that topic.
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Messages In This Thread
Actions without choice - by Keith - 08-21-2013, 09:54 AM
RE: Applause without choice - by newsclippings - 08-21-2013, 01:52 PM
RE: Applause without choice - by Keith - 08-22-2013, 08:09 AM
RE: Applause without choice - by Bunx - 08-22-2013, 04:25 AM
RE: Actions without choice - by cidermaid - 08-22-2013, 04:24 PM
RE: Actions without choice - by Keith - 08-25-2013, 08:10 AM
RE: Actions without choice - by Keith - 03-22-2017, 05:37 AM
RE: Actions without choice - by vagabond - 06-03-2017, 12:39 AM



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