06-03-2017, 12:39 AM
(08-21-2013, 09:54 AM)Keith Wrote: Stackable poxy plastic chairs
pretend to be disco seats,
put a comb through your hair,
coloured lights on your feet. “lights colouring your feet” ? (for sake of rhythm.. )
Your suit is tailor made
for the trisomy chromosome I´d write “tripled chromosome” or something like that as there is no specific “ the trisomy chromosome”
twenty one, never been laid
or gone out on your own.
You bit me as you kissed me
because you need to eat. it´s good to provide understanding in this line (in my view)
With a coke can on your knee
rocking just behind the beat.
A mouth held up by tongue size
frustration that wont mend.
Judgments made around the eyes
yet you still call them friends. I´m not sure but as you mentioned frustration before it would seem as if the person with down-syndrom would somehow act his friendliness (is that even possible?)..
Growth delays a stronger arm
a mind that's mild to maybe
a baby still amongst the calm here I don´t quite understand which calm
you arrived and saved me.
the last line is so striking, that I think it would be good to add a hint as to how the subject was saved, and from what (that could make a whole additional stanza).
maybe the subject was just saved from the nagging feeling of attending a “fake” party... I don´t personally know people with down-syndrome but they seem to want to live in a more amiable world, frustration happening when the world won´t fit.
good to read a poem about that topic.

