Wasp Moth
#2
(05-08-2017, 04:28 AM)nibbed Wrote:  Spotted Oleander
(A Wasp Moth)


Though you wear
a shark skinned suit,
peppered,           I don´t know if that line´s necessary, if it is I´d unite it with the next line
you are my friend.       “you´re my friend” ? (for rhythm) 

You won't bite
or leave a mark,
only tickle.                (so that´s why he was saved later?)
 
Black ferns
dipped in auburn
make up your brow;    maybe “line your brow” or something to keep the flow

plush velvet,
royal crimson lace
(you sometimes wear     “if only worn as cape”  and it would fit in 1 line
only as a cape)

takes you                   maybe you have some image to add in that short line..
from favored nectar,
right here to me.

Trapped between
screen and window,

I gently help you
get free,
scooping you away    those two stanzas (from “trapped” to “away”) I´d try to combine to one of 3 or 4 lines

with the large slotted
plastic spoon
I borrowed from
a stranger's drawer.      this stanza seems to convey the poem´s meaning but not to me.

hope some of that could be useful :-)
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Messages In This Thread
Wasp Moth - by nibbed - 05-08-2017, 04:28 AM
RE: Spotted Oleander - by vagabond - 06-03-2017, 12:36 AM
RE: Spotted Oleander - by nibbed - 06-08-2017, 12:28 PM



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