First Edit: Dying Alone

[just mercedes]

Dying Alone

The thought of dying first is killing me. Good opening line, bathos pulled me in, 
I know we searched and found our path, my wife, lost me here - first and only mention of a wife
like great detectives solve a mystery, 
but clues won't guarantee an afterlife. These three lines, a run-on sentence, feel too prosey. No compression.

Some nights I cage these fears inside my mind, good image
yet I am trapped by knowing people die 'yet' doesn't fit here for me 
at any time, and leave their love behind,
while in the earth what's left of them must lie. inversion to achieve rhyme - stands out

So now the trail is lost or done; no light lots of words that don't carry any weight
will end a tunnel, nor begin this trip.
I'll curse my daily nap, too old to fight,
before the evening warms my lonely lip.'warms my lonely lip'? - bit of a stretch

And when I think I've overcome my fears, 
they'll make a grand escape; their tracks my tears. 'tracks (of) my tears' teetering on the edge of cliche?

I hope I haven't been less that mild or moderate in my crit! Your meter is impeccable, but it's obtained at the cost of using lots of 'filler' words that lack imagery, impact. This lessens your reader's connection to the poem.

The bones are there, but they're caught between poetry and prose.

Try to find a more poetic way to say '... by knowing people die / at any time, and leave their love behind'

I'd like to see a revision of this, so I hope you keep working on it.