First Edit: Dying Alone

[Lizzie]

Hi Richard! I have a couple of thoughts for you.

Dying Alone

The thought of dying first is killing me.
I know we searched and found our path, my wife, -- 'my wife' feels tacked on here to get the rhyme.
like great detectives solve a mystery, -- nice. Maybe name a great detective?
but clues won't guarantee an afterlife.

Some nights I cage these fears inside my mind,
yet I am trapped by knowing people die -- die and lie are very predictable rhymes.
at any time, and leave their love behind,
while in the earth what's left of them must lie. -- I'd try to simplify this sentence (which is a whole stanza) -- the wording gets a little convoluted by trying to make the rhymes happen at the right time.

So now the trail is lost or done; no light
will end a tunnel, nor begin this trip.
I'll curse my daily nap, too old to fight,
before the evening warms my lonely lip. -- don't understand "lonely lip"

And when I think I've overcome my fears,
they'll make a grand escape; their tracks my tears. -- fears rhymed with tears has been done to death (no pun intended)

Too much of the language is bland: end, done, make, leave -- I'd go through and make sure that each verb is pulling its weight, or if it could contain more action or be more surprising.

Overall, I think that focusing on the rhymes is neutering the word choices of the poem.

Hope this helps,

Lizzie