05-30-2017, 08:40 AM
S1 L4 you might consider rich. S2 L5/6 might be stronger combined. S3 you might comma after beer and bring drawing up, then fiddleheads in the dirt and cigarette butts. While I enjoyed the image and pausing and thinking about fiddleheads I didn't come up with a reason for the poem to stress it, I may be missing something.
S4 L1 I'm not thrilled with lop-sided furniture, I like the image but furniture is so nonspecific in a poem that pays such attention to detail. S6 L1 you might consider starting with "Last week" to open an opportunity for a better break. L5 might be stronger if you cut "on the couch", leaving "down" for the break.
That last break on "of" would typically be weak but as I like the butterfly on its own line I wouldn't suggest changing it.
Well, you asked,
, hope something in there helps.
S4 L1 I'm not thrilled with lop-sided furniture, I like the image but furniture is so nonspecific in a poem that pays such attention to detail. S6 L1 you might consider starting with "Last week" to open an opportunity for a better break. L5 might be stronger if you cut "on the couch", leaving "down" for the break.
That last break on "of" would typically be weak but as I like the butterfly on its own line I wouldn't suggest changing it.
Well, you asked,
, hope something in there helps.
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