Memorial Day in Cranston Ct.

[milo]

Wow. I love the travel of this, from the drab and ugly disaster-zone trailer park, sordid, stinking, into a dilapidated trailer, into the inner life of an ink man, unremitting squalor - then the angel appears - as a butterfly.

Great imagery - 'the color of mangoes' carries lush, smooth, plump, with a blush of ripeness. Oh, and sweet and juicy, of course.

A few spots could maybe be tuned up - the opening 2 lines could actively grab the reader, yours feel negative-passive. That passive use of the verb 'to be' pops up a few times.

Others could be trimmed - 'There is a woman that I call Marie / she stops sometimes ...' could be 'Marie stops sometimes, ...' because it becomes obvious she's a woman, in a milieu where people change their names.

That final contrast, of avenging angel and butterfly, is perfect. Also the contrast of the colours - mango, oranges, butterfly vs gray, dun, sickly olive (in itself a contrast to the juicy fruits). The smell of urine vs the smell of freshly shampooed hair. There's a lot packed in here - I'll be back.

Thanks, JM.

Yes, it still needs some trimming, and some consideration of passive/active voicing.

I am considering the marie designation.  There is a certain feel of disassociation as opposed to familiarity/intimacy I was shooting for.

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What fun to read. I think the time spent describing the parking field is well worth it, it builds layers and comes out with a strong image. L2 is a little awkward. Something like as they are like cars left after a heist would read a little smoother to me.  S2 is perfect to me. I found the dashes around "in the dirt and cigarette butts" confusing and unnecessary, it reads fine without them. I think "belongings" might not be right, too formal. Love the Marie lines as is. Same for the rest, where everything comes alive and sensual in such an off way. I like the title stressing that everyday is the same, at least from the outside.

So, a few nits. Thanks for posting it, strong and interesting.

Edit: L2 seems fine to me now, I rescind my nit.

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Thanks for reading and commenting, ella

The reason for the awkwardness in L2 (and occasional other spots) is that there are interjections of blank verse in this free verse poem. Probably inadvisably so as I am no Eliot or Pound.

I have done an insta-edit to correct the dashes as well as the one weird strophe break.  Probably need to reconsider some of my line breaks thouh, wouldn't you agree?