05-29-2017, 06:27 PM
Wow. I love the travel of this, from the drab and ugly disaster-zone trailer park, sordid, stinking, into a dilapidated trailer, into the inner life of an ink man, unremitting squalor - then the angel appears - as a butterfly.
Great imagery - 'the color of mangoes' carries lush, smooth, plump, with a blush of ripeness. Oh, and sweet and juicy, of course.
A few spots could maybe be tuned up - the opening 2 lines could actively grab the reader, yours feel negative-passive. That passive use of the verb 'to be' pops up a few times.
Others could be trimmed - 'There is a woman that I call Marie / she stops sometimes ...' could be 'Marie stops sometimes, ...' because it becomes obvious she's a woman, in a milieu where people change their names.
That final contrast, of avenging angel and butterfly, is perfect. Also the contrast of the colours - mango, oranges, butterfly vs gray, dun, sickly olive (in itself a contrast to the juicy fruits). The smell of urine vs the smell of freshly shampooed hair. There's a lot packed in here - I'll be back.
Great imagery - 'the color of mangoes' carries lush, smooth, plump, with a blush of ripeness. Oh, and sweet and juicy, of course.
A few spots could maybe be tuned up - the opening 2 lines could actively grab the reader, yours feel negative-passive. That passive use of the verb 'to be' pops up a few times.
Others could be trimmed - 'There is a woman that I call Marie / she stops sometimes ...' could be 'Marie stops sometimes, ...' because it becomes obvious she's a woman, in a milieu where people change their names.
That final contrast, of avenging angel and butterfly, is perfect. Also the contrast of the colours - mango, oranges, butterfly vs gray, dun, sickly olive (in itself a contrast to the juicy fruits). The smell of urine vs the smell of freshly shampooed hair. There's a lot packed in here - I'll be back.