the best of trevor

[Richard]

Hey fluorescent.43,
I don't know who Trevor is, but I'll try my best to critique below:

we're busy now. we smoke, we play around
we stay up to hear the rain turn sour. yeah... -I like the way you describe the rain here. It goes with the poem's tone and also creates a strong image in my mind.
we play, we front, you call me fake -This is the second time you use the word "play". I would suggest using a different word because I'm not entirely sure what you are describing with that word in this line.
but where's the real me? not here/not for you.
so just take what you get and play, -Again with the word "play". This almost gives me the impression that you are writing about children, but that doesn't seem consistent with some of the other images in this poem.
people move out fast 'round here. -I find this line interesting, but it needs to be explained more.
we're busy being heroes,
we're busy finding friends to sleep with,
we were busy then
and we're damn busy now.

we live off gasoline, loose change, -When you say, "we live off gasoline," I get the impression that the speaker and Trevor were sniffing it to get high. Was that your intention?
glassy-eyed dreams, and sometimes crack. don't cry, -If the speaker was living on loose change, how did he/she afford crack?
you're gonna need the salt for your wounds.
we still wait for 11:11 and our mothers, -11:11 is the wish minute, so I get that reference. I don't understand why the speaker is waiting for his mother though? Am I totally misreading this poem, and it is about children? I was thinking this poem was about being homeless...
but we've got the best of dreams and brightest of smiles
to carry us through what's left of today.

you walk on our backs but won't look down, -Is this the same "you" as the previous stanza?
said us. beauty is wasted on the young, said not-us
but we are the young so we might as well have said it.
yeah- the streets'll cradle us and our parents'll beat us
and our blood'll turn to acid, a grade-a cut of vinegar, -I like the image of their blood turning to acid. I don't see the reason for saying it's vinegar though. In my opinion, that detail weakens the effectiveness of the image.
but watch us, we'll find our own beauty
in the destruction of our lives.

words burn easy. you think i can talk
my way out of my life? when i say i'm busy
i'm busy protecting you from the wrath -I would merge this line with the next one. "the wrath of our pain" is a bit redundant
of our pain and our tears and our lives.
i could put you in this show, you'd need a costume
but we've got plenty lying around.
tickets to the fucked-up lives show are expensive
so i'll treat you, come on in, just for you
if you think we're heroes,
don't fuck with us
don't forget us,
and don't bully me. -[b]I would suggest reworking or dropping the last three lines. I find they send a mixed message. The"don't fuck with us" seems like a threat, but the "don't bully me" seems to convey fear. I don't understand why the speaker wants the "you" to remember him/her either. [/b]

[inspired by trevor. also, i know i don't use caps. i know my parents dropped me when i was a baby.] -I'm not a huge fan of caps in my poetry either. However, I would suggest going all the way to the extreme and drop the periods too.

I think you express some passion in this piece. You just need to revise some of it, so it better communicates that passion. I look forward to seeing how you proceed with this piece.

Keep writing,
Richard