On 'Gandu Bagicha'

[Richard]

Hey Radetof.Yahska,
Some of the wording in this poem is strong. However, some of the wording is a bit distracting. I'll go into more detail below:

// Gandu Bagicha, or Arsefuckers' Park, is a poem by Marathi Dalit poet, Namdeo Dhasal. His poems were translated from Marathi to English by Dilip Chitre. An excerpt: http://marathidalitpoetry.blogspot.in/20...hasal.html  //


On 'Gandu Bagicha'

The broken glass vials
Breed in the rabid soil; -How can soil be rabid? I kind of get what you mean here, but it needs to be explored more.
Junk is coursing through you. -This line and the first line give me the impression that the speaker is doing some sort of drug. Was that your intention?
Watch the giants 
Lift the boulder out 
Of his way. 
Lie in the floating dusk. 
Cease your chatter. 

The promiscuous soil -How can soil be promiscuous? How does this work with the soil also being rabid?
Does not mind, 
Loves the dog, 
The seal, the lion, 
The drunk rickshawallah. 
Unceasing in her devotion 
To blind consumption. 
The junk takes hold of you. 
Ancient beasts 
Claw at your innards. -I like this as a way to describe how drugs can affect someone.
This boat holds too many. 
The river claims us lustily. 
Watch the vials levitate. 
The dark inside 
Is a shining nothingness. 
My head is a wicker basket 
Full of old leaves 
And green clippings. -Is this describing some sort of hangover from the drugs? That's the only sense I can get from it.

The vials now burn 
And melt. The leaves 
Burn. The clippings smoke. 
The liquid drips and turns 
Into marrow. 
My feet taste the soil, 
The damp afterbirth. -For some reason, I love the soil being described like this.
The junk passes. 
It smells of 
Dead steel -How can steel be dead?
Stale bodies 
Warm mulch -Isn't mulch used to enrich soil for growth? That would make this image not consistent with the "Dead Steel", "Stale Bodies", or "Raw sewage".
Raw sewage. 
The soil tickles my neck. -This gives me the impression that the speaker is sinking in quicksand. Is this supposed to be describing his/her experience with drugs?
My throat is one 
With larks, worms, 
Long-dead agriculturists. 
My head is a clay pot -I think you got a good idea here, but you need to focus on how the speaker's head being a clay pot and a wicker basket work together?
Back in the cradle.

Overall, I think you have a good first draft here. My biggest suggestion would be to ask yourself what you want your main message to be here. There are times when it seems like this a poem about the experience of drug use, but there are times when some of the images and wording distract from this idea. I would suggest trimming this piece down in spots while also expanding in some other areas. This would give the poem greater focus. I look forward to seeing where you take this poem from here.

Keep writing,
Richard