05-26-2017, 06:28 AM
I really liked this, some beautiful lines. Feels a bit plodding in parts though, just needs finessing!
(05-08-2017, 10:37 PM)67eager Wrote: A DECEMBER MIDNIGHT IN PARIS.
From giggly passages of ground breaking erections,
Past transparent blue yet impermeable nightgowns,
Come double decker routes heading two directions;
To either nearby junctions or far away towns. Far away towns is nice.
Gathered across in varied shapes and sizes
Are fuel powered rodents in perfect alignment,
Waiting and watching up until the sun rises, "Waiting and watching up" feels a bit clunk to me, maybe just, "watching until the sun rises"?
Ready to pursue their master's next assignment.
Two blocks ahead, in her fading peach splendour,
The friendless monster bids you a hopeless goodnight. I love this line. "A hopeless goodnight" is quite affecting.
She puts to bed her perceived slender
And falls to rest, though standing upright.
Below the fleeting rareness of the purple night I love "rareness of the purple night" but I see fleeting as a generally overused word, could take it out?
Stands the skeletal remnants of a once blooming trade
Whose absence left a party pleading for light.
Below is not age, but deprivation in its darkest shade.
By this hour, frost engulfs benches and rails,
And the faint glimmer of lamp posts guides no one,
For most lie in bed dreaming up tails,
Except for one man, whose bird nest hair was far from done.
Glued on him were fragmented sheets of faded flannel
And the occasional patch of harsh, malnourished skin.
As he approached, he arrested our flowing channel,
And kindly asked us, with a mined out sort of grin:
Could you spare us any change lads? Quite an archaic line, but maybe that's what you're going for.
At change the colour of his song had fiercely decayed.
Perhaps capital for him was a painfully distant trade.
It then became clear to me, I'm afraid,
That I again saw deprivation, it its darkest shade.