05-24-2017, 02:20 AM
Hi Luna,
This has a lovely atmospheric quality to it. I especially like the single syllable identifiers (sun, sky). This has a personified creation myth feel to it. Even though I know you're taking some liberties with willows, it still sounds cool and it makes me think of the winding shape of the tree expanding in the colors of the morning sky. My only letdown is the final strophe. I do think you need some epiphany to pop out and feel different than the setup. I just think I'd prefer Rain another single syllable. And Tuesday seems too modern a close. Also, it is part of the title and the repetition seems a little wasted in this short of a poem.
On the whole, though, I really enjoyed the mood and soft language choices.
Best,
Todd
This has a lovely atmospheric quality to it. I especially like the single syllable identifiers (sun, sky). This has a personified creation myth feel to it. Even though I know you're taking some liberties with willows, it still sounds cool and it makes me think of the winding shape of the tree expanding in the colors of the morning sky. My only letdown is the final strophe. I do think you need some epiphany to pop out and feel different than the setup. I just think I'd prefer Rain another single syllable. And Tuesday seems too modern a close. Also, it is part of the title and the repetition seems a little wasted in this short of a poem.
On the whole, though, I really enjoyed the mood and soft language choices.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson