Second Edit: dying thoughts

[billy]

hi richard, enjoyed the dit a lot. some thoughts:

lots of times [not always] less is more, i think that could be true of your poem. the words that add little for me have a line through them, there are more you could lose. words like [seem] weaken an image in general. sometime [like] from the simile can be swapped or left out of a metaphor/simile.

the title gives me the key and opens the lock/the poem. some good images but could do with a couple more. some parts are weakish because emotions are spoke of and not shown. the latter section of the poem sounds well enough yet feels to run of the mill. somehow a mixture of the two ending might help cardinal red is strong to add to, not remove.

First Edit:

dying thought

back home
a sunset was a red traffic light
holding back my friends and me
and the night felt like it was ours: or something more solid [we owned the night] or something that drives home the experience
cheap drinks
awful pickup lines
the kind of love that seems endless that [was endless] has more of an image for me
until it ends

years later
a sunset was like divine permission
to rest:
drinks with the boys
loud music
eventually sleep
then i would report to work
happy
that it paid enough
that i could still go home
to visit

i want to believe
all sunsets offer a warmth
worth embracing
i want to believe
i won't die alone
far from home

but the truth is enough to kill a man


Original:

dying thoughts

i want to believe
the sunset is always the same collection of colours
and cliches
everywhere

but i know this belief is a lie

back home
when i was younger
sunsets were like red traffic lights
holding back long lines
of drunken people
who even after the light changed
were content to wait outside a bar
as part of their search
for cheap love and drinks

years later
far from home
sunsets were like divine permission
to rest:
drinks with the boys
loud music
eventually sleep
then i would report to work
happy
that it paid enough
that i could still go home
to visit

the last sunset i saw
was fiery and cardinal red
promising a warmth
i'll never know