Don't Look (Revised)

[Richard]

Hey Janine,
I saw your first poem, and I didn't think it was so bad. This is a much shorter piece, but has some nice lines in it. I'll go into more detail below:

Don't Look


I cleaned my own clock -I think this first line borders closely on cliche. Because of this, I think it hurts your overall message of this poem. May be start with a single word like "Dazed", or "Disoriented". That is the meaning I get from this line. Am I right?
by hanging heavily
to every word -What do words have to do with clocks?
of this world;
trusting scholars, -I almost feel like your poem starts effectively communicating your main point here. This line is much clearer than your current first line.
turning over my life
to the hands of death -I like the image of the "hands of death," but I think it needs to be explored more.
as I wasted time selling
my own lying vanities. -I enjoyed these last two lines. I think they are the strongest part of the poem. They created a wonderful image in my mind, and and convey you main idea effectively.









sorry, I realized the 1st poem
was a big mistake. I tried
to delete it, but it wouldn't
let me, so, I wrote over it
a completely different poem.

I think you have a nice start here, and I look forward to seeing where you take this poem from here.

Cheers,
Richard