05-20-2017, 02:44 AM
Hi nibbed, this is too directly said for my liking. There's very little imagery or figurative language driving this piece.
Ironically, the opponents of this poem's view could use the below passage to prove its opposite point.
every bit of nothing
that has been fed to you
from the time
they yanked you
away from
your mother's
free food.
Now if you instead build the poem around an image (some of which is hinted at and not used), you could allow the ideas and consequences of those ideas to be expressed more organically through the presentation.
It doesn't matter if the audience agrees or disagrees with the message. The issue is with its execution. Not sure that will help much but I wanted to give you my initial reaction.
Best,
Todd
Ironically, the opponents of this poem's view could use the below passage to prove its opposite point.
every bit of nothing
that has been fed to you
from the time
they yanked you
away from
your mother's
free food.
Now if you instead build the poem around an image (some of which is hinted at and not used), you could allow the ideas and consequences of those ideas to be expressed more organically through the presentation.
It doesn't matter if the audience agrees or disagrees with the message. The issue is with its execution. Not sure that will help much but I wanted to give you my initial reaction.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson