05-18-2017, 08:48 AM
Without reading previous critic...
This is fun; might consider naming Ms. Houbolt in the title, or a subtitle line. That it's made up of live quotes excuses or explains the bafflegab and near-cliche; even acrobats can't think perfectly on their feet all the time.
The idea that this (poem) is for the kid who's worried about being/being called a freak, or just lacks some of the ideas expressed, comes through vaguely. Freakdom often involves obsessive fandom - an otaku, for example; the speaker may inadvertently be placing him/herself in the position of the object of devotion. This connects with the idea of "power," which is then disturbing because it's the power of the stalker rather than the random crazy.
On the whole, the poem (still outside its nature as a found poem) is both interesting and (to me) disturbing: do kids these days think it's cool to stick nails up their noses? Some, probably. As a found poem, it tells a lot.
Not many suggestions - since the quotes are what they are, only title, selection, and arrangement are available for edit. How would it read, for example, if the order of the last two paragraphs was reversed - love before beauty?
(05-17-2017, 12:02 PM)Lizzie Wrote: Ask me anything.Before reading the spoiler, I took this to be from a teacher to that kid in the back row. Assuming that when it's published the reader won't see the spoiler until the end, as an author's note, the critique mainly ignores its nature as a found poem.
We need to talk about it.
You don't have to phrase it in any particular way,
or worry about saying something non-PC.
Let's be real and talk about everything
to do with the freak. This construction is ambiguous: is sthe speaker talking about 'the freak," a state of being or self-identification, or a third person being discussed - the kid who's a freak and we're not. Later it turns out the first option is meant.
We have a history of the ‘freak’, like,“you’re a freak, get away from me.” Playing both horns of the ambiguity here - nice.I've reclaimed the words – I am
a natural born freak – not as an insult
but as identity and power. "[P]ower" is disconcerting - it implies another meaning of "freak," a dangerous/insane person. Is the author advocating for gaining power by going or playing apeshit?
Freak, to me, is rarity. I see
people describing themselves as freaks
because they want to seem
less human. I use it to feel Interesting turn (with the jump to the next stanza) but leaves dangling the idea that the author is manipulating own feelings... to what purpose? Is this honest?
more human. I love the bed of nails,
I like putting a nail up my nose, A nice unresolved ambiguity: I *hope* the second use of "nail" is fingernail, but in this day of body-piercing and razor blades, maybe not. Distinctly freaky, that.
that fine line between pleasure
and pain. I use my sense of touch,
I use my sense of hearing
to do aerials, hula hoops –
have you ever hooped?
Hold it behind your back with your hands tight,
turning little circles with your stomach. Not, perhaps, the best description: the "circles with your stomach" are horizontal rather than vertical (vertical is a bit queasy)... "hips" rather than "stomach?"
Front, side, back, side; front, side, back, side.
Give it a bit of momentum;
you’ve got to fling it. Otherwise a good description of operating a Hula Hoop.
Let’s talk about this ideaof what is beautiful, what is grotesque. "Terribilita," as they said of Michelangelo.Beauty is absolute awareness of experience. I find this line bafflegab; your mileage may differ.
It's a dangerous idea.
People don’t dare ask me about loveand relationships, if I’m really honest. Another ambiguity: don't dare if speaker is currently being honest, or speaker honestly admitting people won't ask?Nothing is more dangerousthan falling in love. Seems dangerously close to cliche
This is fun; might consider naming Ms. Houbolt in the title, or a subtitle line. That it's made up of live quotes excuses or explains the bafflegab and near-cliche; even acrobats can't think perfectly on their feet all the time.
The idea that this (poem) is for the kid who's worried about being/being called a freak, or just lacks some of the ideas expressed, comes through vaguely. Freakdom often involves obsessive fandom - an otaku, for example; the speaker may inadvertently be placing him/herself in the position of the object of devotion. This connects with the idea of "power," which is then disturbing because it's the power of the stalker rather than the random crazy.
On the whole, the poem (still outside its nature as a found poem) is both interesting and (to me) disturbing: do kids these days think it's cool to stick nails up their noses? Some, probably. As a found poem, it tells a lot.
Not many suggestions - since the quotes are what they are, only title, selection, and arrangement are available for edit. How would it read, for example, if the order of the last two paragraphs was reversed - love before beauty?
Non-practicing atheist