Burial (2nd revision)

[tectak]

Hi burr,
On a cursory read I took this to be just  nonsense.Subsequent readings convinced me I was correct. The other crits have tried politely to see the King's new clothes but I see him bollock naked.
Look, this "thought train" stuff is all very good at convincing some of the people some of the time that there is something inherently worthy in saying it "as it is". That may be a bonus in politicians but not in poets.The quintessential point about poetry is to find another way. It takes some skill, some intuition, some talent and some effort...the latter being inversely proportional to the sum of the formers. Read this out loud and make changes to clarify, dazzle, impress and IMPROVE. If you need it spelling out in a kindly way,use your thoughts as a frame on which to hang out your metaphorical washing...it needs to be cleaned up,rinsed through, to flutter and dance in the fresh wind...that is poetry, this is just dirty  linen on the line.
No line by line as every line would require comment which you would find detrimental to whatever you thought you were doing...BUT I am NOT convinced that you thought you were doing anything poetically germane...and there's the pity. If you genuinely wish to "make" a piece worth reading...and I hope and believe you do...then please take this crit in the round. It needs more (correct) punctuation, more (potent) imagery, more (clarifying) metaphor, more (consistent) rhythm, more (thoughtful) aliteration, more (tuneful)assonance, more (vectored) direction, more....more....POETRY. 
Best,
tectak

Okay, every time I post it seems that I'm obsessed with metaphors. People don't understand what the hell I'm talking about. Here's what I get:

 "It needs more (correct) punctuation, more (potent) imagery, more (clarifying) metaphor, more (consistent) rhythm, more (thoughtful) aliteration, more (tuneful)assonance, more (vectored) direction, more....more....POETRY."

I constantly think about all of the quoted above, BUT:

"some effort...the latter being inversely proportional to the sum of the formers."

I am lazy. I know that when I write, I settle. Here, I was so focused on using one-syllable words while keeping its form consistent. Those are the two major things I focused on. Everything else was irrelevant to me.

"The other crits have tried politely to see the King's new clothes but I see him bullock naked."

Yes, I've felt that people are trying very hard to be kind because I write about "sensitive subjects" (who doesn't?). 

As far as nonsense, I don't understand why you think it is nonsense. As a poet, even while reading a bad poem, shouldn't you have enough of an understanding of poetry to put the pieces together and figure out there is something in the body of it?

I think it is an obvious effort in describing personal strife. Inflated with nonsensical metaphors, yes... But it isn't complete nonsense.

OK burr, I agree. It is incomplete nonsensense. Something big is missing. If it was clear in intent I could spend an hour and find it but it is YOU who wants to be understood. As the crit I am not unduly concerned with the subjectivity of translation, I think what I think,  but I would like to be able to read about "sensitive subjects" without the shackles of obscurity. It is said often on this site that metaphors by definition should clarify not obfuscate...if obscurity is what you give me, it is not a metaphor.
Best,
tectak