05-16-2017, 02:22 PM
Hey Richard, I like this. Some thoughts below..
Thanks for the read Richard, I enjoyed it,
Paul
(05-16-2017, 01:00 PM)Richard Wrote: My Friend Back HomeI think the ending is sound but is weakened by the generic and abstract "dreams". A litlle nugget of what makes your friend tick would complete this further.
My friend’s face
is dirty with worry great start. - I might consider a semi-colon after 'worry' and strike 'while' - just me
while he says the word
layoff
as if it’s inevitable like death. I think you need a comma after 'inevitable' - if not a line break
He says he won’t leave
his home,
and all I can do is nod.
His dreams from here it gets abstract. What are the dreams?
are trapped
beneath the ground
slowly suffocating,
his hope
will become
a widow,
and I,
at a safe distance,
am nothing
but a bystander.
Thanks for the read Richard, I enjoyed it,
Paul
