First Edit: My Friend Back Home
#2
Hey Richard, I like this. Some thoughts below..

(05-16-2017, 01:00 PM)Richard Wrote:  My Friend Back Home

My friend’s face
is dirty with worry great start.  - I might consider a semi-colon after 'worry' and strike 'while' - just me
while he says the word
layoff
as if it’s inevitable like death. I think you need a comma after 'inevitable' - if not a line break

He says he won’t leave
his home,
and all I can do is nod.

His dreams from here it gets abstract. What are the dreams? 
are trapped
beneath the ground
slowly suffocating,
his hope
will become
a widow,
and I,
at a safe distance,
am nothing
but a bystander.
I think the ending is sound but is weakened by the generic and abstract "dreams". A litlle nugget of what makes your friend tick would complete this further. 

Thanks for the read Richard, I enjoyed it,
Paul
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Messages In This Thread
First Edit: My Friend Back Home - by Richard - 05-16-2017, 01:00 PM
RE: My Friend Back Home - by Tiger the Lion - 05-16-2017, 02:22 PM
RE: My Friend Back Home - by Richard - 05-16-2017, 09:30 PM
RE: My Friend Back Home - by Keith - 05-17-2017, 07:11 AM
RE: My Friend Back Home - by Richard - 05-17-2017, 08:00 AM
RE: First Edit: My Friend Back Home - by Richard - 05-17-2017, 01:12 PM



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