05-14-2017, 07:39 AM
Have to admit that I'm still being dense a tad and still wouldn't have gotten it w/o the spoilers.
By way of something that might work with a dodo like myself:
maybe moving the line
“We're almost there,”
answers the grandmother;
to be after the exclamations of the little girl and the other man's wife. ... to indicate the progression of time?
or even more drastically have them utter simultaneously “We're almost there,” towards the end.
Trying to help. Finding it hard getting into your head only cuz you're you and I'm me. But I still think this one has really, really good ... well, poetic sense.
By way of something that might work with a dodo like myself:
maybe moving the line
“We're almost there,”
answers the grandmother;
to be after the exclamations of the little girl and the other man's wife. ... to indicate the progression of time?
or even more drastically have them utter simultaneously “We're almost there,” towards the end.
Trying to help. Finding it hard getting into your head only cuz you're you and I'm me. But I still think this one has really, really good ... well, poetic sense.
Please check the disable similes option.