05-13-2017, 09:49 AM
Hi Makeshift. Welcome here. The title makes little sense to the poem. My interpretations are often very personal and so I see this as being full of emotion and truth. I worry sometimes when really clever writers have double meaning to their verse. At first I backed off afraid to critique, but then reading it again and again I decided I would critique the dark/light side of the poem and not the dark/dark side of the poem, if that makes much sense, only because the dark/light side of the poem is more navigable to my person. I am hopeful there is no hidden or hint of disrespect for I am working to be as respectful as I can in my critique.
I
Dogs go to heaven, ----dogs: a great metaphor for redeemed ones who have rebellious moments
the preacher must’ve forgot
when he told you otherwise.
The words burn ----why would the words "Dogs go to heaven" burn?
a year later ----a year and ten thousand years to emphasize shorter/longer lengths of time
when a boy misses the bus stop ----lost opportunity, maybe
but catches a noose. ----if this refers to death it is bad, if it is metaphor, maybe not so bad
Did the clergyman not recognize
the napalm in his breath
when he laid his voice on you— ----this is rather sad and seems (almost) unforgiving as he is held to a higher standard
your own hands can only bring you hell. asking forgiveness often requires admission of / facing guilt
The world burns ----a small world
before it is the world
and after.
II ----I like the courage of two part poems
Ten thousand years preceding ----here's that clever use of metaphor
the original poodle ----a dear one, innocence questionable
man steps out of the light
and into his head,
shutting the blinds. ----can't hear, perhaps unaware of redemption or outside campaigns
only God is omnipresent/omniscient
He didn’t recognize God’s face
in the plateau he pummeled remorse
into jagged nothin’
calling that carcass, first temple. this is really precious, but carcass seems a bit critical...
Every moment is a revelation someone is figuring it out. I think of Romans 8:28 KJV
to a mutt eating biscuits. ...just human. ha
This poem can only be rescued if it is reworked
focusing on a general subject, rather than personal.
Thank you for allowing me to critique your poem.
I hope you are well and finding peace and happiness.
janine
I
Dogs go to heaven, ----dogs: a great metaphor for redeemed ones who have rebellious moments
the preacher must’ve forgot
when he told you otherwise.
The words burn ----why would the words "Dogs go to heaven" burn?
a year later ----a year and ten thousand years to emphasize shorter/longer lengths of time
when a boy misses the bus stop ----lost opportunity, maybe
but catches a noose. ----if this refers to death it is bad, if it is metaphor, maybe not so bad
Did the clergyman not recognize
the napalm in his breath
when he laid his voice on you— ----this is rather sad and seems (almost) unforgiving as he is held to a higher standard
your own hands can only bring you hell. asking forgiveness often requires admission of / facing guilt
The world burns ----a small world
before it is the world
and after.
II ----I like the courage of two part poems
Ten thousand years preceding ----here's that clever use of metaphor
the original poodle ----a dear one, innocence questionable
man steps out of the light
and into his head,
shutting the blinds. ----can't hear, perhaps unaware of redemption or outside campaigns
only God is omnipresent/omniscient
He didn’t recognize God’s face
in the plateau he pummeled remorse
into jagged nothin’
calling that carcass, first temple. this is really precious, but carcass seems a bit critical...
Every moment is a revelation someone is figuring it out. I think of Romans 8:28 KJV
to a mutt eating biscuits. ...just human. ha
This poem can only be rescued if it is reworked
focusing on a general subject, rather than personal.
Thank you for allowing me to critique your poem.
I hope you are well and finding peace and happiness.
janine
there's always a better reason to love