05-12-2017, 07:49 AM
< all day at the dump >
loose and crazy these female dinosaurs -I'm not sure this whole line fits
busy buttering hunk to hunk -buttering is cute
loose only for a piece of rump -they are all clara pellers?
and give me some toast -this is tragedy, honestly
let me watch the sun -good metaphor
as it touches off flowers like dynamite -beautiful description of explosive colors of flowers
like fireflies on nuclear power cycles -like is easy to use
honest-to-god real lightning and thunder bugs -I really like this line
bumblebees big as mountains but turning on dimes -human nature, perhaps accompanies suffering
stay out of their way -I like this
who gave me this day? -good change of rhythm w/expression
it's plain
it's gray
it's got nothing to say
it shipped me live
next day express
and now i'm new jersey
and i should have been new york
and i should have been a nice house and a pretty garden
and not this beat-up cardboard box with a wet bottom
but my top's dry -ALMOST lost me on these last three
begging
to be set on fire
Hi, rayheinrich- This poem spoken rolls nicely. It's dripping with something, not frustration or sarcasm...I'm not quite sure, maybe disappointment? I think there is much room for misinterpretation. I see it as a very thoughtful reminder, too. The very best wishes to you.
janine
loose and crazy these female dinosaurs -I'm not sure this whole line fits
busy buttering hunk to hunk -buttering is cute
loose only for a piece of rump -they are all clara pellers?
and give me some toast -this is tragedy, honestly
let me watch the sun -good metaphor
as it touches off flowers like dynamite -beautiful description of explosive colors of flowers
like fireflies on nuclear power cycles -like is easy to use
honest-to-god real lightning and thunder bugs -I really like this line
bumblebees big as mountains but turning on dimes -human nature, perhaps accompanies suffering
stay out of their way -I like this
who gave me this day? -good change of rhythm w/expression
it's plain
it's gray
it's got nothing to say
it shipped me live
next day express
and now i'm new jersey
and i should have been new york
and i should have been a nice house and a pretty garden
and not this beat-up cardboard box with a wet bottom
but my top's dry -ALMOST lost me on these last three
begging
to be set on fire
Hi, rayheinrich- This poem spoken rolls nicely. It's dripping with something, not frustration or sarcasm...I'm not quite sure, maybe disappointment? I think there is much room for misinterpretation. I see it as a very thoughtful reminder, too. The very best wishes to you.
janine
there's always a better reason to love