05-11-2017, 04:38 AM
You provide a very interesting analysis of how feelings and emotions change over time. I particularly found your parenthetical comments amusing. However, I find that there are a lot of sentences with unorthodox structures, which (for me at least) obscure what you are saying. I will highlight the examples below:
the cure
just when that flickering light was sufficiently confined
and I had nestled in a comfortably dusky seclusion (not loneliness)
where my shame was invisible (at least to others) … This is well done. Perhaps the ellipsis could be placed within the parenthesis?
so just when I thought I found peace (or rather meditated on acceptance) I giggled at this (In a good way)
and had felt nothing but relief because I have relieved myself
of all these things that lead to desire leads to hope … This is the line which I'm talking about. 'Leads to desire leads to hope' is not only comfortable to he ear, but also quite difficult to make sense of.
no, just when I´d made of pain a memory, rapidly fading together
with something else (not the thrill), I was not sure anymore
if I ever was really hurt (but I have and might still) … Nice + unexpected rhyme. It almost seems unintentional.
but then, just when I thought there was – finally – no more fear, I think that 'finally' should be bordered by commas rather than hyphens.
no more reason, no care -
you ignite the night. This is a very powerful and ominous line. To me it gives the whole poem a cyclical feeling to it. Well done.
[/quote]
the cure
just when that flickering light was sufficiently confined
and I had nestled in a comfortably dusky seclusion (not loneliness)
where my shame was invisible (at least to others) … This is well done. Perhaps the ellipsis could be placed within the parenthesis?
so just when I thought I found peace (or rather meditated on acceptance) I giggled at this (In a good way)
and had felt nothing but relief because I have relieved myself
of all these things that lead to desire leads to hope … This is the line which I'm talking about. 'Leads to desire leads to hope' is not only comfortable to he ear, but also quite difficult to make sense of.
no, just when I´d made of pain a memory, rapidly fading together
with something else (not the thrill), I was not sure anymore
if I ever was really hurt (but I have and might still) … Nice + unexpected rhyme. It almost seems unintentional.
but then, just when I thought there was – finally – no more fear, I think that 'finally' should be bordered by commas rather than hyphens.
no more reason, no care -
you ignite the night. This is a very powerful and ominous line. To me it gives the whole poem a cyclical feeling to it. Well done.
[/quote]