05-04-2017, 05:17 AM
Hi tectak,
I just barely scanned over the other critiques, so I hope I don't repeat.
We look to see -I know the we is exclusive
each paradox, that slides across wide open eyes, -whose open eyes?
is moving dot by quantum dot within our perceived thoughts. -no "is" unless "if" comes after "see" in L1
Strange, then, that when we blink the change
is someone gone
or war is won
or love is lost. -fix above unless this is a question
We dream in each
entangled plane, a time where unwrit future lies, but not
until the pieces move, align and hold for what we see as now.
Strange, then, that when we dream we fail
to hold the moon
or count the stars
or drink the sea.
We come to death,
our past has gone and all it's parts are fixed anew in space. -no apostrophe
We stumble through fresh formed terrain which flashes in to view. -death is strange indeed
Strange, then, that when we die we hope
to meet old friends,
rekindle love,
and yet be free. -strange? IMO, not too strange at all.
sometimes life on Earth cannot produce, yield
tectak 2017 or furnish any other way...
I love how the poem's structure is beautifully maintained throughout each stanza.
That is not easy to do, and keep subject integrity, too. A few grammatical stumbles, but that's
easy enough to tidy up. I like how your lists can be made into their own poem, please forgive
me as I write it out to see:
when we blink the change
is someone gone
or war is won
or love is lost
when we dream we fail
to hold the moon
or count the stars
or drink the sea
when we die we hope
to meet old friends
rekindle love
and yet be free
beautiful.poetry.here
Thank you for the privilege to critique your poem!
Have a wonderful day filled with smiles and joy!
janine
I just barely scanned over the other critiques, so I hope I don't repeat.
We look to see -I know the we is exclusive
each paradox, that slides across wide open eyes, -whose open eyes?
is moving dot by quantum dot within our perceived thoughts. -no "is" unless "if" comes after "see" in L1
Strange, then, that when we blink the change
is someone gone
or war is won
or love is lost. -fix above unless this is a question
We dream in each
entangled plane, a time where unwrit future lies, but not
until the pieces move, align and hold for what we see as now.
Strange, then, that when we dream we fail
to hold the moon
or count the stars
or drink the sea.
We come to death,
our past has gone and all it's parts are fixed anew in space. -no apostrophe
We stumble through fresh formed terrain which flashes in to view. -death is strange indeed
Strange, then, that when we die we hope
to meet old friends,
rekindle love,
and yet be free. -strange? IMO, not too strange at all.
sometimes life on Earth cannot produce, yield
tectak 2017 or furnish any other way...
I love how the poem's structure is beautifully maintained throughout each stanza.
That is not easy to do, and keep subject integrity, too. A few grammatical stumbles, but that's
easy enough to tidy up. I like how your lists can be made into their own poem, please forgive
me as I write it out to see:
when we blink the change
is someone gone
or war is won
or love is lost
when we dream we fail
to hold the moon
or count the stars
or drink the sea
when we die we hope
to meet old friends
rekindle love
and yet be free
beautiful.poetry.here
Thank you for the privilege to critique your poem!
Have a wonderful day filled with smiles and joy!
janine
there's always a better reason to love