05-04-2017, 01:22 AM
(05-04-2017, 12:07 AM)tectak Wrote:(05-03-2017, 12:16 PM)nibbed Wrote: Fiddler Crab
Cymbal waves disguise Without defining the parameter you are intending, namely the "sound" of waves, it is a stretch to link what is a tentative description at best to the very shaky use of the word "disguise". I do not think you mean "disguise", which has a unique meaning, being to give the appearance of something it is not. So you mean , I think, something along the lines of "mask", or "muffle" or simply "hide" . I can suggest "hide" because giggling can be both seen and heard...simultaneously.
the giggles you create,
as sandy stages boast The "sandy stages" image, though keenly observed, is diluted by pluralising.. A single "sandy stage" is more visually plausible. Furthermore, the use of "as" is nearly always redundant because it implies simultaneity (which is patently obvious) and/or similarity(which you patently do not mean). Best to lose it by period after "create". Start next line with:
"The sandy stage is yours; you boast
intimidation's fattest claw". Your poem.
intimidation's fattest claw;I accept the duality of the word boast, and would like it's use here but for the picky pedant in me which niggled. Did you really mean that the sandy stage boasts intimidation's fattest claw or did you mean the crab? The solution above depends upon what you were trying to say. If I have it wrong then you have it easy.
Bisque armor covers This is nearly very good. No sarcasm intended. I think you could have made more of the poignancy and paradox of the poor crab, who what with his fat, flesh-filled claw, and his bisque producing shell...is destined more often than not for the pot![]()
the tenderest heart. Hmmm...not sure about the tenderest (culinary overtones?) heart. Crab hearts are diminutive devices pumping watery fluid into veinless innards essentially by infusion. I am not liking myself for thinking these thoughts but you started it.
Side steppin's more precious
with you, tiptoe dancer.This is a cute, and possibly telling, end couplet. Again, I question word use. It's that word "precious" and its moreness. More than what? And how is precious "with" ? If wrong...sorry...but:
Side-steppin's essential to you, tip-toe dancer.
I hope I stayed mild. There are some nice bits in this and it is always a shame if they are not given air. Please remember my suggestions are only suggestions. The poem is everything.
Best,
tectak
Thank you so much tectak for your critique on my poem. I smiled throughout. Heart was more referring to the center of the crab, but for some reason I also thought it fitting to tuck poetic notion in there. I agree with everything you are saying. Yes, admittedly, disguise was a lazy word as I was inspired late at night near sleepy time and couldn't quite find a more fitting word, so yes, that will need to be fixed, indeed! Hahaha I was primarily thinking of bisque porcelain and when I went to look up the word to be sure I spelled it correctly I saw the spelling of bisque is also that tasty soup and the crab made me snicker again! So many points you were right on about, thank you kindly for your help! Have a wonderful joy-filled day! janine
there's always a better reason to love

