Fiddler Crab (revised)
#4
(05-03-2017, 12:16 PM)nibbed Wrote:  Fiddler Crab

Cymbal waves disguise Without defining the parameter you are intending, namely the "sound" of waves, it is a stretch to link what is a tentative description at best to the very shaky use of the word "disguise". I do not think you mean "disguise", which has a unique meaning, being to give the appearance of something it is not. So you mean , I think, something along the lines of "mask", or "muffle" or simply "hide" . I can suggest "hide" because giggling can be both seen and heard...simultaneously.
the giggles you create,
as sandy stages boast The "sandy stages" image, though keenly observed, is diluted by pluralising.. A single "sandy stage" is more visually plausible. Furthermore, the use of "as" is nearly always redundant because it implies simultaneity (which is patently obvious) and/or similarity(which you patently do not mean). Best to lose it by period after "create". Start next line with:
 "The sandy stage is yours; you boast
 intimidation's fattest claw".                         Your poem. 

intimidation's fattest claw;I accept the duality of the word boast, and would  like it's use here but for the picky pedant in me which niggled. Did you really mean that the sandy stage boasts intimidation's fattest claw or did you mean the crab? The solution above depends upon what you were trying to say. If I have it wrong then you have it easy.
Bisque armor covers This is nearly very good. No sarcasm intended. I think you could have made more of the poignancy and paradox of the poor crab, who what with his fat, flesh-filled claw, and his bisque producing shell...is destined more often than not for the pot Smile
the tenderest heart. Hmmm...not sure about the tenderest (culinary overtones?) heart. Crab hearts are diminutive devices pumping watery fluid into  veinless innards essentially by infusion. I am not liking myself for thinking these thoughts but you started it.
Side steppin's more precious
with you, tiptoe dancer.This is a cute, and possibly telling, end couplet. Again, I question word use. It's that word "precious" and its moreness. More than what? And how is precious "with" ? If wrong...sorry...but:
Side-steppin's essential to you, tip-toe dancer.

I hope I stayed mild. There are some nice bits in this and it is always a shame if they are not given air. Please remember my suggestions are only suggestions. The poem is everything.
Best,
tectak
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Messages In This Thread
Fiddler Crab (revised) - by nibbed - 05-03-2017, 12:16 PM
RE: Fiddler Crab - by Richard - 05-03-2017, 12:50 PM
RE: Fiddler Crab - by nibbed - 05-03-2017, 01:48 PM
RE: Fiddler Crab - by tectak - 05-04-2017, 12:07 AM
RE: Fiddler Crab - by nibbed - 05-04-2017, 01:22 AM



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