Still time...edit 1.1 ella,burr,nibb, ella again...

[ellajam]

Hi, Tom, this is already close to perfect for me. It reads beautifully but for a nit or two and while most of it says what I know I enjoy the way it's said and then the end makes for interesting thought. Thanks for posting it, some notes below.

We look and see
each paradox that slides across our opened eyes, I think this comma is better gone.
is moving dot by quantum dot within our perceived thoughts. The one bump in the meter for me, I say perCEIVED.
Strange, then, that when we blink the change
means someone died I'm not sure"means" is the best word here.
or war is won
or love is lost.

We dream in each
entangled plane, a time where unwrit future lies, but not
until the pieces move, align and hold for what we see as now.
Strange, then, that when we dream we fail
to hold the moon
or count the stars
or drink the sea.
Love this stanza. I had a thought on unwrit future being redundant but some folks think differently, I like it as is.


We  come to death,
our past has gone and all it's parts are fixed anew in space.
We stumble through fresh formed terrain which flashes in to view. The stress on "through" is a bit weak though I don't really see it as a problem.
Strange, then, that when we die we hope
to meet old friends,
rekindle love,
and yet be free.
I love these hopes, silly we.


tectak 2017

Thanks for the read, a lovely way to start the day.