Armagh

[Richard]

Hey Mark,
I thoroughly enjoyed your edit of this poem. I think you addressed most of the issues I mentioned very well. I'll don't have much to say for a stanza by stanza break down, but I will comment on some of your edits and additional stanzas below:

1st edit Armagh

A place where Saints and scholars made their home,
yet you and I now live in homes apart-The iambics work much better now in this stanza.
where spires great adorn horizon’s line,
but you and I now meddle in our feuds.

Where streets bend through the solid brick
and we flow freely through them now as one
like blood inside a single being
yet we bleed green or orange never red

Here Patrick built his church upon a hill
for Christians there to make it cardinal.
This cross shaped edifice of ochre stone
the place of my religion but not yours.

Your gothic church is on another hill
a larger structure, with two steeples great
each like an angel guarding you within,
but carefully watching me there without.

We look for a leader who can unite
a noble king of old lies here to rest
he united our island for a time
But he was buried in my church, not yours.

For we make our claims over different men
like the warrior who fought for this ancient land
at the place of Navan fort and mount
where this hound of ulster once did reside.

There our forefathers ancient, great and wise
spoke myths and lore from their memories depths:
Cuchullain is the loud shout that they cry.
But we fight to make our claim over him.

We turn to reason and to our libraries
mine is a great Georgian Library house
while yours a modern house of lit’rature
for we are separate in our learning here.

We both love football but have different rules
mine you call soccer, yours Gaelic football
we go to different stadiums, which now
stand safe in our divided community.

But we share the same moon, stars, sun and sky
and our Planetarium is for all
where we both marvel at the glory seen
lifting us above our petty feud.

When darkened heaven gives down its light -I love the wording in this line. It's beautiful with its paradoxical nature.
a hundred million eyes watch and discern
at reasons why we argue and dispute
then the celestial bodies roar and laugh. -How do celestial bodies roar and laugh?

For I’m the tiny land of Lilliput,
and you the island of blefuscu small
And we fight how the egg must be eaten -This line sums up human nature perfectly.
However we share a city common.

The centre of this city is the Mall
where crimson orb is thrown to lowered bat
where people walk in and out of that place
like tiny cells inside a human heart. -This line is better than what you had. However, in the same poem you've compared the people in this city to blood and cells.  I would try to come up with a different simile for this line.

There our memorials remember those who died
for British kings you never called your own
but for a city that we cherish now
and that is the thing that unites us both. -I still like this ending.

I think you've still got a few minor tweaks to work on, but this poem is coming along nicely.

Cheers,
Richard