Falling …notes found in an open field whilst walking.edit 1.0001. nibb,rich

[tectak]

Hey tectak,
I enjoyed reading this poem. Parts of it reminded me of a writing group I used to be a part of many years ago. A professor ran that group at the university that I used to attend, and some of your lines in this poem sound just like some of the things he used to say. I'll go into more detail below:

I fall into a trance, a state, -This line is crucial because I am assuming this is the falling you refer to in the title.
a heightened (higher?) sense of being, -I like the use of the bracketed words throughout. It gave the poem a real meta feel. I was hoping that the bracket words would make some sort of hidden message though.
write broken words with broken pen
that quivers like a living thing.
Twice broken (bones?) Avoid word "thing". -I am sure that professor I mentioned said something like the second half of this line to me about one my poems.
The hum behind me comforts
by its strength and disposition. -Where is the hum coming from? I've read this poem many times, and I am still a bit unclear about that.
No nervousness or doubts
but sureness, constancy.
Writing is not easy here,
there is no where to hide away. -I'm assuming this is referring back the openness that comes from being in the trance.

It’s better when the sun is high (above?).
“It” is unrelated. Define. -I like this line. The meta elements in this poem add well to the whole trance concept.
What if when at last I land
my legs should buckle into me,
and thrust up through my groin? -I found these three lines a bit jarring. What does this say about the trance?
When I land. When I land, no if.
 
We shuffle (sternly?) back,
we three who dare,
the door is bright with glowing air;
if that is all I need to do,
one stand, one step,
one fall and through. This stanza has a dream-like element to it, which works because of the speaker being in a trance. My only question is who are the "three who dare"?

Words are coming to me
faster than before, -I get the impression here that the writing while in the trance is causing the speaker to fall out of the trance.
I mean before 10,000 feet,
not before this week. -Is this referring to a deadline for the speaker/writer? That's what it made me think of.
I may delete that line. -Please don't.
The light glows red, -Even after reading this poem several times, I am completely lost on why you suddenly start talking about traffic lights.
I did not see
the hue before…
it is on me.
I am no longer white but rouge;
Is that normal?
White, I mean? --I love the last two lines here. My first thought was that you were commenting on race, but then I started to wonder if you were talking paper.
 
Damn this paper..won't lie still. -Keeping the title in mind, does the trance start to end because the papers begin to blow away?
Green light, he’s up, he’s gone. -Why a green light? I still don't get the traffic light references.
A silhouette held for a moment. --I love how this line sounds.
Great god above, he did not drop;
did you see?
Did you see? -I don't know if the repetition here is necessary.

He seemed to jerk
off to the left (port?);
did you see? -I think by already repeating this line above, it detracts from the impact of repeating it here.
I am not sure
that words are
coming out of me. -This sounds almost scary, but is consistent with being in a trance.
 
Red light. Red light. Red light.
This pen is all I have to…
damn, green light, green light. -Again, I don't get the traffic light imagery. How does it relate to being in a trance?
He’s gone. He’s gone.
I never saw him leap.
Stand, step, gone.
Exit left.
Cliché. Change it. -It's funny because I thought this exact line when I read the previous line. This line might actually might the cliche of the previous line work. That is something impressive.
 
Seconds now,
I write this so
that I will know
just how I felt. -The speaker is coming out of his trance.
There is a strange
ear-throbbing pulse, 
church organ pipe,
once I shuffle
to the door. -I thought he was in a field? Did the notes blow away and end up inside somewhere?
Shuffle.
The hook drags.
Check the hook. -Is referring to the hook on the door? I think this is an image that could be expressed more clearly.
There is the door....
the wide open door.
Red light.
Red light.
Red light.
I should say good-bye.
Good bye.
Green light.
Good bye. -I think the last seven lines flow wonderfully. I just don't get their meaning.
 
tectak
2017 

( maybe should be in fun I enjoyed writing it too much)

This poem has some wonderful elements to it. My biggest issue is that I just don't see how the traffic light imagery relates to the rest of the poem. I could be missing something though. It wouldn't be the first time.

Cheers,
Richard

Hi rich,
you got fixated too early. Falling, 10000 feet, when I land.....it is a guy's (girls) notes on his way up to do a parachute jump. The red and green lights are the jump lights. The hum is the aircraft engine noise coming in through the open door, the hook is the attachment to the static line, I really did find a sheet of note paper in a field some twenty years ago...just notes.I found the piece of paper in a 35mm transparencies slide file last week. I often wondered if he or she lived
Best and thanks,
tectak. ...must have been a parachuting poet...or a fallen one