Falling …notes found in an open field whilst walking.edit 1.0001. nibb,rich

[Richard]

Hey tectak,
I enjoyed reading this poem. Parts of it reminded me of a writing group I used to be a part of many years ago. A professor ran that group at the university that I used to attend, and some of your lines in this poem sound just like some of the things he used to say. I'll go into more detail below:

I fall into a trance, a state, -This line is crucial because I am assuming this is the falling you refer to in the title.
a heightened (higher?) sense of being, -I like the use of the bracketed words throughout. It gave the poem a real meta feel. I was hoping that the bracket words would make some sort of hidden message though.
write broken words with broken pen
that quivers like a living thing.
Twice broken (bones?) Avoid word "thing". -I am sure that professor I mentioned said something like the second half of this line to me about one my poems.
The hum behind me comforts
by its strength and disposition. -Where is the hum coming from? I've read this poem many times, and I am still a bit unclear about that.
No nervousness or doubts
but sureness, constancy.
Writing is not easy here,
there is no where to hide away. -I'm assuming this is referring back the openness that comes from being in the trance.

It’s better when the sun is high (above?).
“It” is unrelated. Define. -I like this line. The meta elements in this poem add well to the whole trance concept.
What if when at last I land
my legs should buckle into me,
and thrust up through my groin? -I found these three lines a bit jarring. What does this say about the trance?
When I land. When I land, no if.
 
We shuffle (sternly?) back,
we three who dare,
the door is bright with glowing air;
if that is all I need to do,
one stand, one step,
one fall and through. This stanza has a dream-like element to it, which works because of the speaker being in a trance. My only question is who are the "three who dare"?

Words are coming to me
faster than before, -I get the impression here that the writing while in the trance is causing the speaker to fall out of the trance.
I mean before 10,000 feet,
not before this week. -Is this referring to a deadline for the speaker/writer? That's what it made me think of.
I may delete that line. -Please don't.
The light glows red, -Even after reading this poem several times, I am completely lost on why you suddenly start talking about traffic lights.
I did not see
the hue before…
it is on me.
I am no longer white but rouge;
Is that normal?
White, I mean? --I love the last two lines here. My first thought was that you were commenting on race, but then I started to wonder if you were talking paper.
 
Damn this paper..won't lie still. -Keeping the title in mind, does the trance start to end because the papers begin to blow away?
Green light, he’s up, he’s gone. -Why a green light? I still don't get the traffic light references.
A silhouette held for a moment. --I love how this line sounds.
Great god above, he did not drop;
did you see?
Did you see? -I don't know if the repetition here is necessary.

He seemed to jerk
off to the left (port?);
did you see? -I think by already repeating this line above, it detracts from the impact of repeating it here.
I am not sure
that words are
coming out of me. -This sounds almost scary, but is consistent with being in a trance.
 
Red light. Red light. Red light.
This pen is all I have to…
damn, green light, green light. -Again, I don't get the traffic light imagery. How does it relate to being in a trance?
He’s gone. He’s gone.
I never saw him leap.
Stand, step, gone.
Exit left.
Cliché. Change it. -It's funny because I thought this exact line when I read the previous line. This line might actually might the cliche of the previous line work. That is something impressive.
 
Seconds now,
I write this so
that I will know
just how I felt. -The speaker is coming out of his trance.
There is a strange
ear-throbbing pulse, 
church organ pipe,
once I shuffle
to the door. -I thought he was in a field? Did the notes blow away and end up inside somewhere?
Shuffle.
The hook drags.
Check the hook. -Is referring to the hook on the door? I think this is an image that could be expressed more clearly.
There is the door....
the wide open door.
Red light.
Red light.
Red light.
I should say good-bye.
Good bye.
Green light.
Good bye. -I think the last seven lines flow wonderfully. I just don't get their meaning.
 
tectak
2017 

( maybe should be in fun I enjoyed writing it too much)

This poem has some wonderful elements to it. My biggest issue is that I just don't see how the traffic light imagery relates to the rest of the poem. I could be missing something though. It wouldn't be the first time.

Cheers,
Richard