Cutting the cord

[Richard]

Hey Mark,
I actually think you did a much better job with this poem in the second edit. I like that your poem has a much stronger focus. I'll explain more below:

2nd edit

Cutting the Cord

Two plugs nestle in my ears,
their white slender cord
hang around me
like a weight, -Still like this simile.
by the smart phone
they’re connected to. -I don't know if you need the last two lines here. Most readers will get what you're talking about without mentioning a smart phone.

It has become my umbilical cord,
my soul’s narcotic, my mind’s opiate,
I always carry it around,
like a drip feed. -I love this stanza. I think it sums up technology today perfectly.

Exposing me to sights and sounds
it sings to me:
“That’s entertainment,
That’s entertainment,”
but at times
at the expense of everything else. -I like this line. I would suggest exploring the idea here more because "everything else" is a bit vague.

At such a time as this I ask myself:
“when should this cord be cut?” -A relevant question for us today.
My honest reply:
“Now, but not yet. ” -I love the answer. I think this line is so honest. People often want to make changes for the better, but they always seem to put such things off. This is just a wonderful ending.


Original-

Cutting the Cord

The cutting of the fleshy cord
the first ritual of my independence
no longer a living extension
of my Mother’s body
for I’m now severed to live life apart

But since developing to a man
two plugs lay nestled in my ears
their white slinder cord hang
around me like a noose
and I am weighed down
by the electronic device its connected to

It is my soul’s narcotic, my mind’s opiate
for I always carry it around,
like a drip feed
I cannot live without it
at the forsaking of everything else
even the maker’s loving hand

So the cutting of this cord
Is not just a ritual of my independence
but of my dependence
to my heavenly father above
whose arm I now cling to
like a helpless babe.

Overall, I think you did a wonderful job with revising this poem, and I enjoyed having a chance to read it.

Cheers,
Richard