Down at the Bottom

[nibbed]

Hi 89layers. Your poem interested me so I will try to critique best I can.



I look on at you.                                                                                                      

You sit listless in the dark.

I see you in shadow and in silhouette;

in blackness and despair.                                                                shadow and silhouette already indicate blackness

 

You smile for a bit,                                                                          smiles aren't free?

but it’s too much work.                                                                   good description of weariness

That spark in your eye dissipates –

replaced by a hollow stare.                                                             good catch, this stare, if only for a second, more a glimpse?

 

You follow me,

moving fluidly as I move.

You whisper to my soul -

echoing my heart.



You struggle to keep up.                                                                this is showing me  someone weaker, lesser, smaller, etc.

You gather your broken pieces,                                             

arranged like a bouquet of glass shards.                           

You begin to fall apart.                                                                  I am confused that line follows "You gather your broken pieces"



You rock incessantly

Faintly reciting songs your mother used to sing                       

Your skin is pale and your eyes like dark, stagnant pools

You grow colder and more distant than ever before



I plunge into the depths of you

There is not longing, or hopelessness or caring

Light cannot penetrate this realm

Heavy like a stone, I sink to the floor                                          I thought of prayer

 

On the long way down

I watch a cavalcade of memories resurface and swirl in my head

I am dizzy with colors and sounds

It is too much

 

I breathe in and begin to let go                                                           seems to peter out at the very the end
I will rest here at the depths of your soul                           


----


I had difficulty trying to understand the poem completely. I am sorry I couldn't be more helpful. At first I thought it was descriptive of someone ill then I thought perhaps it was a poem about a loved one that you can only love from a distance, then I thought it might be a poem written as riddle. It seemed a bit dark and sad, as though the narrator was unable to reach someone. The best thing about the poem is each stanza could be poems in themselves if worked out. Thank you for the opportunity to critique! Best wishes and good cheer sent your way!