Down at the Bottom

[AngelaPinson]

Hi 89layers
 

I read your comment about this being your last posted poem for a while. I would actually encourage to continue to write and post as you are learning. This is a site dedicated to helping poets of all stripes.  I hope you will stay and write

Here are my thoughts on this poem. You may want to start by simply trying to remove some words and change a few. 

a small example from your work:

You sit listless in the dark.
I see you in shadow, and in silhouette;
in blackness, and despair.
 
You smile for a bit,
but it’s too much work.
That The spark in your eye dissipates –
replaced by  leaving a hollow stare.
 
You follow me,
moving fluidly sinuously as I move.
You Then a whisper to my soul -
echoing my heart.
 
 This is what it looks like:
 
You sit listless in the dark.
I see you in shadow,
silhouette; blackness,
despair.
 
You smile,
it’s too much work.
The spark in your eye
dissipates, leaving a
hollow stare.
 
You follow sinuously
as I move. Then a
whisper to my soul-
echoing my heart.
 


 






[quote='89layers' pid='216424' dateline='1473707349']
I look on at you.

You sit listless in the dark.

I see you in shadow and in silhouette;

in blackness and despair.

 

You smile for a bit,

but it’s too much work.

That spark in your eye dissipates –

replaced by a hollow stare.

 

You follow me,

moving fluidly as I move.

You whisper to my soul -

echoing my heart.



You struggle to keep up.

You gather your broken pieces,

arranged like a bouquet of glass shards.

You begin to fall apart.



You rock incessantly

Faintly reciting songs your mother used to sing

Your skin is pale and your eyes like dark, stagnant pools

You grow colder and more distant than ever before



I plunge into the depths of you

There is not longing, or hopelessness or caring

Light cannot penetrate this realm

Heavy like a stone, I sink to the floor

 

On the long way down

I watch a cavalcade of memories resurface and swirl in my head

I am dizzy with colors and sounds

It is too much

 

I breathe in and begin to let go
I will rest here at the depths of your soul

----
Author's Note: I have long resisted learning the "rules" of poetry.  I always held that they were restrictive and even pretentious to true uninhibited expression - that was just my ignorance.  I posted a poem yesterday that I wrote back in Feb 2015.   I received a lot of very constructive feedback.  Sadly, mostly the consensus was that it wasn't particularly good.  Here is a piece I wrote this month.  It will probably be the last piece that I post for awhile.  I am going to begin studying the "art of poetry"  and take the feelings from my other pieces and rework them into new poetry before I bombard you all with anything further.

Thanks for reading and thank you for your honest assessments of my work undefined.
 
Best to you all!

I find removing the buts, thes, ands, ect. allows the read to really think about what the poem is saying. 
You follow me, (No need for the "me" due to the next line.)
moving fluidly sinuously as I move. (love this line.)
You Then a whisper to my soul -(Removing "you" I feel works)
echoing my heart. 

Great poem!