04-20-2017, 12:13 AM
Well it would seem I'm a bit greener on this site than you, i agree with the vast majority of what homer said, and absolutely love both Homer's edit and the drama the pauses and lone words do for the overall effect of that excerpt of the poem.
here comes the but. But I think eliminating ALL of those words creates a lot of pauses, no? I very well may be wrong, and I'm sure he/she knows what they're talking about, but I like the cadence of most of these lines.
You sit listless in the dark. (not sure of what listless means in the context here)
I see you in shadow and in silhouette;
in blackness and despair.
You smile for a bit,
but it’s too much work.
That spark in your eye dissipates –
replaced by a hollow stare. (for whatever reason i think in these two lines, while they're already great, maybe try to incorporate some type of water imagery to go with the whole theme of sinking gradually)
You follow me,
moving fluidly as I move.
You whisper to my soul -
echoing my heart.
You struggle to keep up.
You gather your broken pieces,
arranged like a bouquet of glass shards.
You begin to fall apart. (wouldn't arranging their broken pieces mean they've fallen apart already? putting themselves back together? or is it a 2nd fall apart? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ you'd know better than i would)
You rock incessantly
Faintly reciting songs your mother used to sing
Your skin is pale and your eyes like dark, stagnant pools
You grow colder and more distant than ever before
I plunge into the depths of you
There is not longing, or hopelessness or caring (remove the first 'or')
Light cannot penetrate this realm
Heavy like a stone, I sink to the floor
On the long way down
I watch a cavalcade of memories resurface and swirl in my head
I am dizzy with colors and sounds (to shorten so the poem comes to a dramatic "rock bottom" point you could eliminate the 'I am')
It is too much
I breathe in
begin to let go
I will rest here
at the depths of your soul
I personally think this breaks up the individual thoughts a bit, making them fit with the point observations you use throughout the rest of it.
i don't know if my comments will help or not, but those are my 2 cents. Overall, I absolutely loved it. Keep writing, I'd like to see more of your work show up here!
here comes the but. But I think eliminating ALL of those words creates a lot of pauses, no? I very well may be wrong, and I'm sure he/she knows what they're talking about, but I like the cadence of most of these lines.
You sit listless in the dark. (not sure of what listless means in the context here)
I see you in shadow and in silhouette;
in blackness and despair.
You smile for a bit,
but it’s too much work.
That spark in your eye dissipates –
replaced by a hollow stare. (for whatever reason i think in these two lines, while they're already great, maybe try to incorporate some type of water imagery to go with the whole theme of sinking gradually)
You follow me,
moving fluidly as I move.
You whisper to my soul -
echoing my heart.
You struggle to keep up.
You gather your broken pieces,
arranged like a bouquet of glass shards.
You begin to fall apart. (wouldn't arranging their broken pieces mean they've fallen apart already? putting themselves back together? or is it a 2nd fall apart? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ you'd know better than i would)
You rock incessantly
Faintly reciting songs your mother used to sing
Your skin is pale and your eyes like dark, stagnant pools
You grow colder and more distant than ever before
I plunge into the depths of you
There is not longing, or hopelessness or caring (remove the first 'or')
Light cannot penetrate this realm
Heavy like a stone, I sink to the floor
On the long way down
I watch a cavalcade of memories resurface and swirl in my head
I am dizzy with colors and sounds (to shorten so the poem comes to a dramatic "rock bottom" point you could eliminate the 'I am')
It is too much
I breathe in
begin to let go
I will rest here
at the depths of your soul
I personally think this breaks up the individual thoughts a bit, making them fit with the point observations you use throughout the rest of it.
i don't know if my comments will help or not, but those are my 2 cents. Overall, I absolutely loved it. Keep writing, I'd like to see more of your work show up here!