Cutting the cord

[UselessBlueprint]

1st edit

Cutting the Cord


The umbilical cord was cut (Okay, right off the bat, I'm going to need punctuation in this piece)
the first ritual of my independence
no longer a living extension
in my mother’s womb
but developing into a man
two plugs nestle in my ears (idea shifted, punctuate or separate)
their white slender cord
hang around me
like a weight
by the electronic device  (the ambiguity here does not add anything. Call it a phone, an mp3 player, or any other specific item)
their connected to (they're*)

It is my soul’s narcotic, my mind’s opiate (why have the mind/soul distinction here? Also, punctuation)
I always carry it around,
like a drip feed
Exposing me to sites and sounds (given context, I expect you mean 'sights')
it sings to me:
“That’s entertainment
That’s entertainment”
but at times
at the expense of everything else
even the maker’s loving hand
whose neglected relationship I need

So the cutting of this cord
is not just a ritual of my independence
from mindless distraction
it’s a ritual of my dependence (excessively wordy here)
to my heavenly father above
whose arm I now cling to (a very weak conclusion. If this is the type of 'cutting the cord' that really matters to the poem, it should be developed in more of the piece)
like a helpless babe.

While your central metaphor is sound, the delivery is really underwhelming. Punctuation is going to be necessary. There is no legitimate reason to ignore it for this piece. The images are pretty weak, and there is very little poetry in the language you use. You need to compress your ideas and trim the fluff. I enjoy that your metaphor is straight, a lot of people are often lost in empty phrases or obscure references, but your language is pretty clear. Yet, unfortunately, the language does not match the focus of the piece. Keep working, and please trim some more out of this.

Tip: Annotate this piece yourself. Write the ideas of each stanza on the side, write the idea of your central metaphor, and look to see if there are any lines/words/phrases that don't contribute to assembling these ideas into your metaphor.