04-11-2017, 02:52 AM
Hi JaredEgo,
The first time I read this, i wasn't so sure... the second time I liked it more. I realize where you're going here, and i think it gets better the farther you go along. In other words, the beginning doesn't feel as strong as the end. I do think the idea of using longer lines, and possibly using some longer (not mono-syllabic) words might help it.
One other thing, for me, the jump to "the last frontier" and "Mars" in S4 kinda threw me off. I'm not sure it completely fits with the rest of the "life" poem.
But then your last stanza is the best... however I do wonder if there's a better word than "health" - something that might have a little deeper meaning.
Great work!
The first time I read this, i wasn't so sure... the second time I liked it more. I realize where you're going here, and i think it gets better the farther you go along. In other words, the beginning doesn't feel as strong as the end. I do think the idea of using longer lines, and possibly using some longer (not mono-syllabic) words might help it.
One other thing, for me, the jump to "the last frontier" and "Mars" in S4 kinda threw me off. I'm not sure it completely fits with the rest of the "life" poem.
But then your last stanza is the best... however I do wonder if there's a better word than "health" - something that might have a little deeper meaning.
Great work!