04-08-2017, 01:10 AM
(01-14-2017, 01:37 AM)jrgxng Wrote: snow covers my walk to schoolThere's savage play at work here, impression of written quickly, to draw out force of thought. S1 delivers the 'full monty', does what it says on the tin, needs no re-write. But you got critique for S2, harsh and misses the point I think. I got the picture of invading collaboration between the season and plain senses. so you moved from thought to flesh, from in to out, moved the story on, and I'm following. For me, S3 had the least impact, it's more of a list of quickly forgotten irritable than an evolution of the force you developed in S1 & 4, I'd have flipped this around, since you started with nuns & celebrity, (Maria Carey), move Jesus to the end line, tighten up the December illustration - 'composting Xmas everywhere' - but I hear the start in the finish, I see the point and hear the voice of 'Death to the Holidays!'
like a nun covers cleavage. winteris nothing new, she’s been stuckin my head for months,(fuck mariah carey)
the world is a numb white,and so are my hands -just as we forget what greenlooks like, the feeling in ourskin falls frozen off the bone.
december is a cold-heartedbitch, dolled up in ornaments,wrapping paper, adolescentlaughter, empty wallets.
jesus celebrates histwo-thousandth oddbirthday, and it’s clearthat under all of december’sugly-girl make up is justpine needles. fucking everywhere.