04-04-2017, 04:55 AM
(03-21-2017, 03:47 AM)Erthona Wrote: Opium is the religion of the massesI'm only doing a second critique because I learned a bit from reading the others.
The rich throw us under their mill,
indiscriminately grind our flesh & bones,
yet forbid us poppies to succor
our mental anguish or quite our pitiful moans.
erthona
©2017
I still like "indiscriminately". I'm sure there is a flaw everyone can see. Even then, it's solid. Maybe it's melodramatic, but for those spoken of in this poem... Politicians are constantly melodramatic, or just absurd. People, if you haven't noticed, walk the streets acting like some character they idolize on their favorite TV show. No matter who we are or what category people try to fit in, we're still vulnerable.
The problem I can take from it: it's a very formal word, like we're reading some bland law-book on discrimination.
What I used as a critique before, you mentioned was intentional. The irony that people are people, no matter their class, still throw others in their mill (if I understood). So I think "poppies" can be changed to some street-name for a pop. drug. I've heard all different kinds, but don't remember.
"Forbid" -- Now I wonder if I've missed another point. Don't the rich benefit if we buy their drugs? It seems they wouldn't forbid us drugs, but sustain our anguish instead, keep us addicted.
You said you were struggling with "succor"-- What do you think of changing the direction a bit and using "sustain" instead?
