03-30-2017, 09:47 PM
(03-30-2017, 05:43 AM)Richard Wrote: Lost Dream
what has happened to our hope? "has" unnecessary.
did it try to migrate south south or migrate make each other redundant, lumped into one line. suggest: "did it try to migrate / south for the winter"
for winter
on a broken wing?
or did it burrow
deep into rotten meat
only to hatch anew? "only to hatch anew" feels uncomfortable not because of the maggoty image, which i like, but for its sense of renewal (however bleurgh) feeling a little ill-placed. give a thought to placing it at the end, and rewording such that it feels less weak (anew) or technical (hatch), more blunt and visceral...
perhaps it’s not even lost
staying silent
and unnoticed as a shadow ...in particular because the softness of the thought here would, due to the resulting contrast, really make the piece pop. although the softness of this stanza is a little overmuch; i feel like "staying silent / and unnoticed as shadow" could be shortened to one line.
for the most part, fine, although the thought, the imagery behind it, even the way it's all expressed feels familiar. ah well, lovely work.