Burial (2nd revision)

[burrealist]

Burial

I dont mind the form here, 16 9-syllable blocks dropping, when you get to the end your buried pretty deep under all the other lines, which look heavier since they're divided in 3's and all the words are one syllable each. I think though I'd rather read it as 16 lines though, for the punctuation and flow.  Sometimes the two word lines aren't strong enough to get their own line

Its strength sweeps drift

Small cracks dredge

In lines this block really confuses me, I can't figure out subject verb and really want it to be clearer

Flares of rushed sprees, sprees are rushed inherently? 

White specs dance

Like wasps

I drudge each foot

Hands thrash out this is getting more engaging for me, I'm feeling more and more like I was too far out at the beach, and I'm about to get pulled out to drown

Splash down

Eyes drip what's dripping?

 I don't like ice and fire both in this, does anything spread like ice, or does anything crack like fire?[/b][/size][/align]

I curve, I click

This dance stops

Dead rock rock and roll is dead, you were dancing, but I've lost the dreaded feeling I'd had built up, not sure what's happening

Mute shift I think you should put this line back with its block.  

Thank you for all these insights! They were helpful, especially the detail you put about the form of this poem. Also, there were some sections where the single syllables were limiting my ability to convey the ideas I wanted to. I appreciate your critique!