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[CRNDLSM]

Please take my critique with a grain of salt, while I do concern myself with modes of expression and self-identification I don't know much about femininity.  

how long is the video? Do you speak throughout or give breaks, do the breaks match up with breaks in your poem, speak slow or fast?  The best way to critique something like this is to have the video with it...

Since you want a critique without the video, my first suggestion is to write clearly with proper punctuation, line breaks are helpful for pauses but not for clarity.

Also, with poetry, often less is more, some phrases in here seem only for length, and some of your points or views could be stronger. Your lucky that your audience will also have the visuals to distract them

What inclines good question, maybe a dash for a second thought
What makes the brimming Spring
brace the exposed
So immaculate, so chaste is spring immaculate or the exposed? 
as though as virginal
But if a gaze is that of a masculine power
Would you rather I came bare or covered? Because your addressing femininity I assume it's natural to consider what a masculine power Would think? Or would you rather talk about how a woman might consider how a feminine peer might view her?  Speaking of make-up, and from my own perspective, it seems women care more about it than men as a whole overall.  I personally find make up gross and don't want to look at it. Not saying a face can't be beautiful with make-up, I think make up is just distracting more than anything... war paint


The aim is what you’re always bothered with your aim in dressing is what would a masculine power be bothered by? Or you are always bothered by the aims of your dressing?

That what is watching
is always wondering what lies under it all all - not just clothes, measuring a person
To unruin the already ruined, too broken here for sentence structure.  Who's judging now what is ruined or who will fix what
or stretch out my frame
To rehabilitate, renovate, or extend other examples of unruining

If you weigh what’s mine and what it counters I cannot grasp what counters what's yours since I'm not sure the yours of which you speak, the 'all' from before?
How can I please feel bothered I'd take out please or adjust the punctuation, because please can also be an appropriate verb for content


Sat inside the shared-house shared-house to me is your mind
Roaring walls of desire cry out
for more time, rewiring,
and something to buy her introducing a new character or buy for herself, buy her more time.
Like a capricious child
acute in acquiring
the preciousness of cute cuteness is precious yes? I first read precious as precocious which I learned from Mary Poppins in regards to children but capricious is a better word. How about, 'acute in acquiring cuteness'
They eye her ambiguous pronoun, they must be masculine? The feeling of paranoia every woman must feel about leering eyes and cat calls

The quiet space seemed inviting
The space between the pilot of the vessel good rhyme wrestle vessel, 
and the smileless wrestle
of fear and courage racing each other
till the winner meets the sighting of the reflection meet the sight or meet the reflection?
Nevertheless I’m trying the run-on is hard to follow

So I bite on some dried fruit
Soya milk
And guess I’m about to go with it food because you mentioned earlier -stretch out my frame-
The whole of my ensemble
could do with another note in it
A little change of rote
Not estranged –
still resembling the strength that I came here with came to this dress ensemble decision? Came to this shared-house?

The lines that I draw
are not there to shame the lands that they claim intent on clowning? My wife has mastered her eyebrow lines
Rather rhyme with them,
with the aim of acclaiming the finery
of the apricots and pines evergreen and fruit? The pines on your face take away the finery in this image
aligned so divinely
within the arches of my eyebrows

The lines that I draw
Rhyme with them with so little rhyme throughout here I don't think you should repeat this here. Doesn't help

Marking vows that reverberate inside humble shrines
whose walls are not man-built
but not quite yet gilded either
Still need to feel the resonant power
of a self-love bible
and meet the preacher
that will treasure the space they hold
for what it is and is not this is my favorite stanza but punctuation for clarity would help, I still need

I take the tweezers
and sign a defining affirmation: sign with tweezers, sign by plucking?
This sand is the sand the dry self-view
the land, and the nation, is mine just go with the world, nation makes this political when it doesn't need to be
And it’s fine to do whatever I favour
For the hand brings bliss bliss from courage winning the race to the reflection?
And it’s what I’ve been missing the bliss has been missing?
Can you hear the arriving waxwings singing? I don't know what a waxwing is, local bird? 
The ringing in your ears
heralding the reminder
this budding delivery
is an attribute of my own fingertips woman Empowerment here
Shipping from the same residence
Equipped with the same energy the same residence and energy as what, the self before the image
Merging in awe
Married I would drop married, opens up too many interpretations to be left at the end here, brings me a little doubt to all I read before.

Hope this helps, good luck on your project





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Oookay, guys;

- this is quite a rough diamond I am trying to polish here for my uni arts project.
It is supposed to be voice recorded (by me, the author) and used as a narration for a short video I am doing: 
The piece is attempting to addressing people who tend to examine and speculate on one's beauty standards and modes of expression; themes being femininity and self-identification / presentation, which will involve shots of me dressing up in the morning, and some cross-edits with nature motifs.
Never been into much poetry, so feel free to bring out your chisels and hammers, and dig some sense into me as to how this is going, because I do want to improve my craft!
Title suggestions are very welcome as well.

Cheers