03-27-2017, 12:10 AM
I really like this idea, just an idea to make the poem references more readily available, why not show your frustration with those forms with a snippet of the form, portion each strophe to contain not just the name of the form, but the form itself
(03-24-2017, 01:57 AM)Lizzie Wrote: I bought a doll today—So I think your poem here is pretty great, if i could suggest anything that might improve it it would be to show the forms you mention whether you state them or not.
she's cloth with a white eyelet dress
and a matching Sunday bonnet.
I named her Kyrielle Elise.
I'll slowly ruin her. At this point I haven't picked up kyrielle as a form, but the doll is a nice set up for it
It can't just be me that wants to thread
a series of cuss words together
and call it a rondolet.it certainly isnt
Mother tried to teach me to sew,
grow my patience for precision-
cutting patterns. She relented
when I broke the sewing machine's needle.
Don't you ever itch to start bitching
people out mid ghazal? It can't just be me.not really frustrated at the things around but the ghazal is making everything around more grating
Does the ceiling fan resume its metronomic clicking,
and the cat shock you with her tail
while she seduces your leg?
Maybe your neighbor's trash can
scrapes the pavement like a dragging muffler
as they heave it clumsily
to the curb. I like your descriptions throughout everything
I imagine myself melding with a madrigal
the way a man merges with his machine, do women merge with machines? Maybe 'man merges with machine'
like Chuck Yeager and his Glamorous Glennis, I don't know who this is but it sounds like a baseball player and his bat
punching a hole in the sky.
I could meld with a machine
if I burned alive in its wreckage.
My refrains would have been the glory
of a 1840's schoolmarm: they snore
like the moral for a boring story. Comma after snore? I can't get morals snoring, maybe you dont need the last line at all
Exploring Elizabethans makes me feel I'm guessing Elizabethan is a sonnet because of Volta later
like I'm living my nightmare
where I try to call emergency
but my fingers won't push the numbers
in the right order. In a sudden volta
that can only be achieved in dreams, I do love this Volta that can only be achieved in dreams
I realize that I'm not holding a phone
but a blender, and my conceit why are you holding the blender? Oh this is a dream blender works, subconsious wants mix everything up
is colorless inside. Please confess: this makes the poem not about the writing anymore, it enhances the frustrations that lead to the writing, like a sudden Volta your poem here has a good amount of redirection throughout all tied together by a solid theme.
it's not just me.
Peanut butter honey banana sandwiches

