03-26-2017, 11:35 AM
Hello amaril,
Your writing style seems quite daring, and perhaps even a bit confusing, because it doesn't seem to have any particular regulations of construction, therefore I found it challenging, but interesting, to investigate. It's free flowing and self-inventive.
The piece has a sense of a memoir / diary notes... which is quite fascinating.
Your writing style seems quite daring, and perhaps even a bit confusing, because it doesn't seem to have any particular regulations of construction, therefore I found it challenging, but interesting, to investigate. It's free flowing and self-inventive.
The piece has a sense of a memoir / diary notes... which is quite fascinating.
(02-18-2017, 04:08 AM)amaril Wrote: Hiatus
Sweet beer is a lampshade askew ^
in the corner of a must-scented Some interesting visuals here, though I'm a bit puzzled as to what is the relation between the 'Sweet
room, blue for the evening, beer' and the 'lampshade askew in the corner of' the room you're describing. Is that a way of
with a blue stained sofa borrowed describing the impact of the substance?
years ago from one of mom's v
work acquaintances she hasn't seen in years. - Not sure if the second use of the word 'years' is the best fit. Maybe something with 'nearly -'
I mean a poem is like a dream - This is quite a fun and true observation, but comes random, because I fail to see how the first lines
in that you don't remember most of it. lead up to this..
Or the moon is like the broken - Why start this with 'Or'? Why moon? Is the moon reference supposed to relate to the one about
record player I got as a Christmas gift a poem?
in middle school, which was not
broken but delightful when I got it - I like these descriptive inputs of family life / memories
and which now looks cool as ever
with its crocked up lid and needle,
with its dust, only it plays - I think the part starting with 'only it' asks for a new sentence, or a different punctuation mark
records wrong, a little too fast
or a little too slow, rending it unusable.
False plants curl in the shadow ^
of the windowsill, and the dog with an odd I like how these are worded
occasional grunt rests on the rug v
at the foot of the stair. - The ending, especially 'the stair' seems a bit awkward, but settles in more, as I read on..
The typewriter I rarely touch
rests beside me on the desk,
loaded with paper, gleaming in the lamplight. ^
I've written some good poems on that machine. Beautiful personality and descriptiveness
Or the drafts that later became v
good poems, or the bad poems remedied
bit by bit on my laptop until
they became not-quite-perfect
but at least themselves. Years ago
this was the desk in my bedroom, and over
the years it hasn't changed.
It is red mahogany—blue in the dark—
covered with scratches and cup rings.
This is the same house, rearranged. - Really like how the ending sounds here.
Cold moon tomorrow. - Is the moon supposed to / Does it mean something to you as a poet / writer?
I mean December's full moon. You seem to have some sort of attachment to it,
I've got work, and also but I like how it starts off a fresh stream of thought, and makes you
I think I'll lose my mind. communicate more openly..
Just a little. In spring I'll move out.
Leaving my parents and sister, and
most of my things, until my parents also
move and my sister goes
to college, and then this place
where I sit, so familiar in its proximity
will drift forever from my life
and become the stuff of dreams. - Quite a beautiful ending, sounds right... though it leads to a sense of narrative closure, I think the piece has a potential for continuity, because you could again input something random or current, and / or talk about what you did or will do..