03-25-2017, 07:30 PM
Hi, Dale, I like shoulders because it gives the size of the bird, a bird of prey. You might consider honed beak, the sonics aren't brilliant but not horrid, maybe it will lead you to something. You also might consider replacing sitting with something more menacing or heavier. So:
Death: a bird
sitting on my shoulders,
honed beak stroking
my carotid artery, waiting
to strike again.
Or a break on strike would be nice, your poem, your breaks. Anyway, I think it is worth tweaking, it has staying power, like the bird.
Death: a bird
sitting on my shoulders,
honed beak stroking
my carotid artery, waiting
to strike again.
Or a break on strike would be nice, your poem, your breaks. Anyway, I think it is worth tweaking, it has staying power, like the bird.
(03-20-2017, 06:04 AM)Erthona Wrote: Acute Myocardial Infarction
Death: a bird
sitting on my shoulders
with razor sharp beak:
stroking my carotid artery:
waiting to strike again.
I feel you there
and the panic begins to rise.
erthona
©2017
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