03-25-2017, 04:17 AM
Lizzie,
Here are my thought on why the bird needs to be labeled as death. If I were the reader and I read "A bird sitting on my shoulder" I would pause and try and figure out what a bird on someone's shoulder has to do with a heart attack.
If you will note this line:
"waiting to strike again."
That tells you that the person has already had one heart attack, he is now acutely aware of his own mortality, thus death sitting on his shoulders in the form of a bird.
As the reader I probably would not get any of that if I took out identifying the bird as death.
You're right about too many colons I will correct that. I did not know that about robins. The stroking ("like a lover" which I left out) is to let the person know that death can strike anytime.
I did not know that about robins. This image comes from phlebotomist and drug addicts. Stroking the vein causes it to rise and remember, the bird is "death" not a real bird.
"this has an intimate quality to it -- I like that" Thanks for that.
Although I disagree with several of your points, I do appreciate the time and thoughtfulness you put into this, I will keep them with the poem and consider them again at a later time.
dale
Wjames,
"Razor sharp" is a little weak in my eyes, it's too common a phrase." Agreed, do you have a suggestion?
Yes, too many colons as I noticed when lizzie pointed it out, will correct. (When I first read that, I read that as colors, and I'm wondering, "What colors?" Hah!)
"I don't think you need to specify it as an image of death, rather than a heart attack. A heart attack is one specific path to death, so it inherently implies death while allowing you to add concrete sensations." I responded to this with Lizzie. But the salient point is the person who has had the heart attack is aware of the closeness of death, and as humans tend to anthropomorphize, it is no small leap that one would create a metaphor for death. Although having to defend a metaphor in poetry seems somewhat absurd to me, but you are not alone in this thinking. I'll take it under advisement after I let the poem rest for a few months.
Thanks much, and really I do agree razor sharp is a cliche, I am at a loss as to what to use instead, so any help there would be great.
dale
Here are my thought on why the bird needs to be labeled as death. If I were the reader and I read "A bird sitting on my shoulder" I would pause and try and figure out what a bird on someone's shoulder has to do with a heart attack.
If you will note this line:
"waiting to strike again."
That tells you that the person has already had one heart attack, he is now acutely aware of his own mortality, thus death sitting on his shoulders in the form of a bird.
As the reader I probably would not get any of that if I took out identifying the bird as death.
You're right about too many colons I will correct that. I did not know that about robins. The stroking ("like a lover" which I left out) is to let the person know that death can strike anytime.
I did not know that about robins. This image comes from phlebotomist and drug addicts. Stroking the vein causes it to rise and remember, the bird is "death" not a real bird.
"this has an intimate quality to it -- I like that" Thanks for that.
Although I disagree with several of your points, I do appreciate the time and thoughtfulness you put into this, I will keep them with the poem and consider them again at a later time.
dale
Wjames,
"Razor sharp" is a little weak in my eyes, it's too common a phrase." Agreed, do you have a suggestion?
Yes, too many colons as I noticed when lizzie pointed it out, will correct. (When I first read that, I read that as colors, and I'm wondering, "What colors?" Hah!)
"I don't think you need to specify it as an image of death, rather than a heart attack. A heart attack is one specific path to death, so it inherently implies death while allowing you to add concrete sensations." I responded to this with Lizzie. But the salient point is the person who has had the heart attack is aware of the closeness of death, and as humans tend to anthropomorphize, it is no small leap that one would create a metaphor for death. Although having to defend a metaphor in poetry seems somewhat absurd to me, but you are not alone in this thinking. I'll take it under advisement after I let the poem rest for a few months.
Thanks much, and really I do agree razor sharp is a cliche, I am at a loss as to what to use instead, so any help there would be great.
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.