Acute Myocardial Infarction

[Lizzie]

Hi Dale. I also wouldn't have known that this wasn't about a heart attack. I read it that way and liked it. I like your vision for it too, but that didn't come across.

Acute Myocardial Infarction
 
Death: a bird -- I actually don't think you need 'Death.' I'd say, "A bird sits on my shoulder..." The title makes it clear that we're talking about mortality, and the bird of prey imagery is clear.
sitting on my shoulders
with razor sharp beak: -- I'm surprised by the number of colons in such a short piece. I don't see the need for this one or the one that follows, I think a comma will suffice.
stroking my carotid artery: -- I don't think 'stroking' is the right word here. I like your idea of getting the vein to come to the surface, and I get the image from that of robins running across the ground to simulate the sound of rain, tricking the earthworms into surfacing. They just don't stroke anything to do that, and the fact that birds don't have hands makes the image not work for me. You could say, "...scratching for my carotid artery" because birds will scratch the ground with their feet to uncover bugs and what not.
waiting to strike again.
I feel you there -- this has an intimate quality to it -- I like that
and the panic begins to rise.
 
 
erthona
 
©2017

Hope this helps. Sorry to hear you've been unwell, but welcome back.